First, you need to listen to the song You're Never Alone. You can find the lyrics here:
Avraham Fried has so many beautiful songs. (No Jew Will Be Left Behind / Don't Hide From Me) But this song especially speaks to me. One of my therapists once asked me, "How is your relationship with G-d?" I was very put off by that questions. In my mind then, Jews don't have a relationship with G-d. Our Father In Heaven sounded sooo not Jewish to me. We had our mitzvos to do, and like a good little girl, I did them. Fear of G-d? Check. Love of G-d? Not so much. How do you love what you can't see, feel, hear, basically, relate to. So no, Jews don't have a "relationship with G-d". It gnawed at me though, sneaking into my thoughts at odd times. Finally, I had to do some research ... DO Jews actually have a relationship with Hashem? And the answer I found blew me away! A Tatte in Himmel ... a Father in Heaven ... was a JEWISH CONCEPT! (This song about that idea literally brings me to tears when I hear it. Aptly composed and sung by Dveykus*.)
(I tried to find the lyrics, but I can't find a complete translation of them. You can view some of it here:
"I am a bas melech", the daughter of The King has SO much more meaning now. It literally turned my life around, changed me completely. If I have to say something "good" that came out of losing Yossi a'h, well, this is the biggest thing. (Don't get me wrong, I still want him here. Guess what I am trying to say is that this is a silver lining to the worst possible rain clouds ever imaginable.)
So now when I am sad or angry or happy, I can directly talk to my Tatte in Himmel. I tell him when things get to hard, or feel so much gratitude when things go the way I wish them to. I've said before, Hashem is not as hidden as you think, you merely have to open your eyes and especially your heart to let Him in.
If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know that the last year and change has been super emotionally hard for me. I noticed something strange happening ... I was having dry spells and great spells and there seemed to be a connection to when those great spells hit. If I was having a particularly hard day, soon thereafter, something wonderful would happen. I would find something totally amazing, or make a nice big sale. It seemed to be happening consistently. Then things turned around, and baruch Hashem, I've been in a fairly upbeat mood. But as I wrote about three weeks ago, I got totally triggered by CNN. Then, that week, I got triggered again. I heard a song that I always associate with Yoss. It's Conversation In The Womb, which ironically, is based on a gemorah about the afterlife. (The lyrics are below the video, and there is really no explanation needed.)
Conversation In the Womb (Lyrics) My dear brother, look around and tell me what your eyes behold Don't deny that you see, it's only you and me Our existence, it is empty, it is cold Our existence, it is empty, it is cold But dear brother You must have faith that we are not the only ones For in the distance there's a place, where we'll stand up tall and straight Oh, I believe there is a world to come, yes, I believe that there is a world to come My dear brother, don't be blind, don't be stubborn, don't be set. Imagination it's all right, but it won't light up the night What you see is exactly what you get; oh what you see is exactly what you get But dear brother You will surely find when all is said and done That the future it will show, Ttere is so much we don't know Oh I believe that there is a world to come, yes I believe that there is a world to come. My dear brother, Where have you gone?, Is this the moment I have known? I can faintly hear the cry My dear brother must have died It's all over now forever I'm alone, It's all over now forever I'm alone But dear brother Please don't mourn me when my life has just begun For what you hear are sounds of joy "Congratulations, it's a boy" Oh I believe that there is a world to come, Yes I believe that there is a world to come 'Cause what you hear are sounds of joy "Congratulations, it's a boy" Soon you'll be here with me in this world to come. Soon you'll be here with me in this world to come.
Journeys by Abie Rotenberg
When I say it was bad, it was climb into bed and cry type bad. A video call to my bestie, and she was able to pick me up. I sorta forgot about it until a week later, when I had a totally amazing and fantastic discovery. When another friend said that it must have been a kapara for physical pain I was going through, it got me to thinking ... no, personally, I don't think it was that. I think it was more for the emotional pain I went through. Whatever the reason, to me, it was perfectly clear. Hashem was sending me a HUGE KISS. He was telling me, I know you are hurting, and I am hurting with you. As Avraham Fried said, I truly am never alone.
The goal of this post for me is to try and internalize that message. That when I am hurting, Hashem is with me, and He is there to hold my hand. It's a lofty goal.
*Dveykus is a yearning to be one with Hashem. Somehow, for me, that is what this song does, is it makes me yearn for Him.