Thursday, November 16, 2017

Kisses from Hashem

This post has been percolating in my head for quite some time now. I think I've spoken about it before, but here goes anyway ...

First, you need to listen to the song You're Never Alone. You can find the lyrics here:

Avraham Fried has so many beautiful songs. (No Jew Will Be Left Behind / Don't Hide From Me)  But this song especially speaks to me.  One of my therapists once asked me, "How is your relationship with G-d?"  I was very put off by that questions. In my mind then, Jews don't have a relationship with G-d. Our Father In Heaven sounded sooo not Jewish to me.  We had our mitzvos to do, and like a good little girl, I did them. Fear of G-d? Check. Love of G-d? Not so much. How do you love what you can't see, feel, hear, basically, relate to. So no, Jews don't have a "relationship with G-d".  It gnawed at me though, sneaking into my thoughts at odd times. Finally, I had to do some research ... DO Jews actually have a relationship with Hashem?  And the answer I found blew me away! A Tatte in Himmel ... a Father in Heaven ... was a JEWISH CONCEPT!  (This song about that idea  literally brings me to tears when I hear it. Aptly composed and sung by Dveykus*.)

(I tried to find the lyrics, but I can't find a complete translation of them. You can view some of it here:

"I am a bas melech", the daughter of The King has SO much more meaning now. It literally turned my life around, changed me completely. If I have to say something "good" that came out of losing Yossi a'h, well, this is the biggest thing. (Don't get me wrong, I still want him here. Guess what I am trying to say is that this is a silver lining to the worst possible rain clouds ever imaginable.)

So now when I am sad or angry or happy, I can directly talk to my Tatte in Himmel. I tell him when things get to hard, or feel so much gratitude when things go the way I wish them to. I've said before, Hashem is not as hidden as you think, you merely have to open your eyes and especially your heart to let Him in.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know that the last year and change has been super emotionally hard for me. I noticed something strange happening ... I was having dry spells and great spells and there seemed to be a connection to when those great spells hit. If I was having a particularly hard day, soon thereafter, something wonderful would happen. I would find something totally amazing, or make a nice big sale. It seemed to be happening consistently.  Then things turned around, and baruch Hashem, I've been in a fairly upbeat mood. But as I wrote about three weeks ago, I got totally triggered by CNN.  Then, that week, I got triggered again. I heard a song that I always associate with Yoss. It's Conversation In The Womb, which ironically, is based on a gemorah about the afterlife. (The lyrics are below the video, and there is really no explanation needed.)

Conversation In the Womb (Lyrics) My dear brother, look around and tell me what your eyes behold Don't deny that you see, it's only you and me Our existence, it is empty, it is cold Our existence, it is empty, it is cold But dear brother You must have faith that we are not the only ones For in the distance there's a place, where we'll stand up tall and straight Oh, I believe there is a world to come, yes, I believe that there is a world to come My dear brother, don't be blind, don't be stubborn, don't be set. Imagination it's all right, but it won't light up the night What you see is exactly what you get; oh what you see is exactly what you get But dear brother You will surely find when all is said and done That the future it will show, Ttere is so much we don't know Oh I believe that there is a world to come, yes I believe that there is a world to come. My dear brother, Where have you gone?, Is this the moment I have known? I can faintly hear the cry My dear brother must have died It's all over now forever I'm alone, It's all over now forever I'm alone But dear brother Please don't mourn me when my life has just begun For what you hear are sounds of joy "Congratulations, it's a boy" Oh I believe that there is a world to come, Yes I believe that there is a world to come 'Cause what you hear are sounds of joy "Congratulations, it's a boy" Soon you'll be here with me in this world to come. Soon you'll be here with me in this world to come.

Journeys by Abie Rotenberg

When I say it was bad, it was climb into bed and cry type bad. A video call to my bestie, and she was able to pick me up. I sorta forgot about it until a week later, when I had a totally amazing and fantastic discovery. When another friend said that it must have been a kapara for physical pain I was going through, it got me to thinking ... no, personally, I don't think it was that. I think it was more for the emotional pain I went through. Whatever the reason, to me, it was perfectly clear. Hashem was sending me a HUGE KISS. He was telling me, I know you are hurting, and I am hurting with you.  As Avraham Fried said, I truly am never alone.

The goal of this post for me is to try and internalize that message. That when I am hurting, Hashem is with me, and He is there to hold my hand. It's a lofty goal.

*Dveykus is a yearning to be one with Hashem. Somehow, for me, that is what this song does, is it makes me yearn for Him.

Monday, November 6, 2017


Look liberal America, we get it. You are upset that you lost the election. You are pissed your candidate didn't become president. We get that you hate #PresidentTrump and you wish he wasn't president.
However, here ARE the facts:

*Hillary Clinton *LOST*. Yes, she lost. This is real life, there are no do-overs or second chances; she lost.

*Donald Trump *WON*.  Yes, he won, and he is the 45th President of the United States of America. (Well, it's supposed to be the United states, but sadly, those on the Left refuse to be united.)

*In the real world, NOT "everyone is a winner".  (Sorry, but you were fed a pack of lies by well meaning people who didn't want to hurt your feelings.)

*Actions have consequences. (I'm not going to get into WHY Hillary lost; suffice it to say she refuses to accept responsibility for her losing, which is also part of the problem.)

*We *DESPISED* Obummer, but hey, we accepted that we lost and moved on. Which is why we turned out in force to make sure we didn't lose in 2016.

Why am I harping on an event that happened almost a year ago to the day? Because those on the Left refuse to behave like grown ups and move on. Instead, they are behaving like a toddler who was told she can't have ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  The big protest coming up this week is "Scream At the Sky" on Nov 8th to show your dissatisfaction with the election results. REALLY? I mean, REALLY??????? Come on! Even my grandchildren know better than that.  Which leads me to believe that all these stupid "feel good" things parents have been doing to their kids have resulted in a bunch of kids in their twenties who never learned at age 2 that things don't always go your way, and the world does NOT revolve around you.  Yup.  It's a sad fact of life, but truthfully, we are all just a small blimp in the scheme of life.

Which leads to my next point ... if that is the case, and we are basically nothing, then what are we here for?  Easy! To make this world a better place. I don't care what religion you are, what side of the aisle you belong to politically, or even if you don't believe in a Higher Power at all ... no one can argue that anything bad will come about from trying to make this world a better place.

So how can we do that? So many little things; I've said it so many times before. Take time to connect with others. The mailman ... he has a life! Say Hello and tell him Thank You for working on such a hot or cold or rainy day.  The woman checks you out at the grocery ... She is a person too! She has hopes and dreams and desires! Put down your phone when checking out, look her in the eye, and thank her for helping you! Smile at that stranger you pass while grabbing your cart, and also at the person you see walking down the street. Yes, EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW THEM! I can promise you that nothing bad will happen from showing people that you care about them.

I love to tell people how my husband teases me that I suffer from MyLipusFlapus (King of Queens term). Yes, I talk waaaayyyy too much.  But I also find out things about people I meet. I have a mini-connection with all these strangers, and yes, I do view some of them as friends.  Every single person is in this world because G-d put them here.  That means that each and every person has a purpose, and a reason for them to exist.

I've decried the lack respect for human life for quite some time now.  Find out you're pregnant, but it's not convenient, or not the gender you wanted, easy-peasy-one-two-three and POOF! gone!  An sickly person has no quality of life? Once again, easy-peasy-one-two-three and POOF! gone! We spend a lot of time talking (and arguing) with people on social media, forgetting that there is a life, breathing, living human being sitting on the other side (most of them; unless you are fighting with a bot). People play video games where you kill others and don't bat an eyelash. We have songs that speak about killing police, or raping women.  Then we are horrified when someone does it.  (I would just like to point out that I personally believe that these things taint your soul, and I don't allow them to do that. I don't watch TV or movies; I don't listen to regular music, read secular books, or even play those violent games.  They ALL have a subliminal effect on you.  So much so, that our Rebbe told us years ago not to let young children see non-Kosher animals, because of the effect it has on the soul. How much more so that garbage that Hollywood throws out.)

This is the main reason I am writing.  Yesterday's massacre should be a huge wake up call to the entire country.  It's time we all say to those throwing a temper tantrum, GROW UP! You need to act like adults, and accept that this is the reality. As much as you wish it isn't so, it still is.  Put your hate aside, and let's try to repair. Stop trying to divide us. Let's work on being the UNITED States of America again, even if you can't stand the President. Look, we survived 8 years of Obama. And if you people on the Left stop trying to prevent President Trump from doing his job, then you will survive too.

Meanwhile, tragically, there is a family in Texas who has lost 8, yes EIGHT members of their family.  It is a tragedy beyond words! Please read the article, and donate something, anything, to help them.

Let's hope the next time I post, it is on a happy occasion. I am getting so sick and tired of being sad at the horrible way the world is today!


Monday, October 23, 2017

CNN really *IS* ISIS!

One of the unpleasant side effects of losing a child is the unexpected triggers,  I've written about it before, so I won't spend too much time on it.  It is basically going merrily along your day happy as a clam (are clams really all that happy?), and then BAM! Your world comes crashing down and all you want to do is crawl under your covers, cry, and hide from the painful world.

Yesterday was one of those days. I'm happily minding my own business, watching You Tube videos (Ben Shapiro has such a sharp tongue!), when I clicked on a recommended video.  (First mistake ... don't trust the You Tube algorithm.)  This video came up.  For full disclosure, I did not watch the whole thing.  I had to stop after four minutes.

A recent Gold Star mom crying over her lost son.  From CNN.  (Second mistake ... breaking my self-imposed blackout on CNN in all forms. I normally won't click on any link of theirs.)

What I found so horrifying was that the woman did not cut the interview short.  The mom is crying the entire time.  I cried to my husband about the video.  He asked me why she agreed to do the interview.  This is part of what broke me.  I totally and completely get her reason.  Her son,  SPC. Etienne Murphy died.  She wants the world to know about her son.  BTDT.  I went through that for a few years.  Every time I met someone, I told them about Yossi a'h.  He was here and he was gone and I felt like the world needed to know that something so precious was no longer here.  After one of the yartzeits, it hit me that his friends never really will forget him.  I had been so worried that 30, 40, 50 years would pass, and Michoel and I would be the only ones still crying over him.  When I saw that wasn't going to be the case, a huge stone lifted from my heart.  It really helped in the healing in knowing that he wasn't going to be forgotten; that his life had meaning and he made an impact on this world (for the better).

So why was I so upset? Why was I crying for this mom and her tragic loss?  All the CNN interviewer saw was an opportunity to #BashTrump.  WTG CNN! Politicize a bereaved mother's pain to try and hurt President Trump.  It's INHUMANE! It's despicable and vile.  There are certain lines you don't cross, and I would have thought that this was one of them.  But no. Never let a good crisis go to waste. Who cares if you trample on the already shattered heart  ... Hey! Maybe she will say something negative about the President.

It's a new low. The Left is unbalanced and totally unhinged.  It is frightening to see how evil their agenda is, and how they truly have no heart what so ever.

To know more about this brave young man who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom ...

Etienne J. Murphy, SPC, U.S. Army, 22, of Snellville passed away Friday, May 26, 2017 while serving a tour of duty in Syria; he was a part of Operation Inherent Resolve. He was a loving husband and son, an amazing father to his two boys and a friend to many. He spent his days constantly joking and making anyone who came across him smile. He did everything he set out to do in his career and life and although, his life was cut short, his name will never be forgotten. He is survived by his loving wife, children, parents, brothers and a host of loving relatives and friends

Please take a minute and sign his guest book.  Let his parents know that their sacrifice was not in vain.

May Hashem bring comfort and wipe away ALL tears with the coming of Moshiach NOW!

Monday, October 2, 2017

My Precious

Gollum and the ring ... If you read Lord of the Rings, you know that Gollum was obsessed with the ring, to the point that it drove him mad.
But maybe Gollum wasn't the one who was insane, maybe it's us? We grab onto our "precious" and lose sight of what is truly the most precious of all ... human life.

Puerto Rico suffered through the third hurricane to wreck tremendous damage in this hurricane season.  Yet what does the mayor of San Juan do? She politicizes the whole thing, to the point where she stands in front of pallets of food decrying the lack of help!

Even better yet, in an area without any power, she magically has the ability to make a hat and shirt trying to embarrass our President for his "lack of response".

So let me ask you ... what is more important here? Getting food and water to people who don't have, or making a politically statement? Well, we see what Carmen Yulin Cruz holds precious. It's her political agenda above her constituents.  And it's sickening!

This morning I awoke to the horrible news of the terrible tragedy in Las Vagas.  Yet what are the first rumblings ... not, HOW AWFUL! Not sympathy to the hundreds of people who experienced a life changing event. Not horror at the nightmares these people are going to have. Not remorse over at least 50 lives gone, families destroyed by death of a loved one and the over 400 people who will carry physically scars the countless people who will carry emotional scars ... Nope. The call is for more gun control ... the call is that we Americans have brought this on ourselves with liberal gun laws ... the call is that hopefully it was only Trump supporters who die and not anyone else ... excuse me but ... WHAT?????  Where is the cry for the loss of human life? Does it matter if the person was Red or Blue before they died or were injured?  Cuz last I saw, we ALL BLEED RED!

The value of human life .... that is what our society has lost value of it. Hurricanes rip through the country, and you have whack jobs saying that Texas got Karma baby ... And that Trump brought the hurricanes to drive the Mexicans out of Florida ... sheer stupidity and basically no one seems to care about human life. Why should they? If you find out that becoming a mom is not exactly what you wanted, well, just murder that little life inside of you.  Just rip it right out, stop that little heart from beating and G-d forbid becoming a burden on your life. I mean, we can't have people being inconvenienced by a baby for goodness sake, right???  People play video games where they kill other people, watch movies with tons of people dying, and listen to songs about rape and murder with no thought of what it does to their morality.  People have no problem killing a child because his life has no quality, and end of life issues ... if you are suffering or have a disease, then just end it all now, cuz life has on intrinsic value.  The is truly the crux of our problem.  The Liberal Left has a done a fantastic job of taking G-d out of people lives. Without G-d, then there is no meaning and there is no value. Whatever you hold dear is what is your precious ... your job, your processions, your political ideas or ambitions ... that is all that matters.

It's time for us to step back. We need to invite G-d back into our lives. We need to let HIM decide what has value and what is important. Each and every single human life has intrinsic value, simply because G-d created that person, brought him into this world, and continues to let them live.  Now what you do with your gift of life is up to you.  Do you want to make this world a dark place by snuffing out over 50 lives and destroy countless others, or do you want to be a beacon of light, bringing happiness and goodness where ever you go? Shine light or cast darkness? The power is in our hands.

We need to grab onto the precious, and hold onto it tightly, because unlike Gollum and his ring, our precious should be human life, goodness, and making the world a better place.

Do some random acts of kindness today to bring some light back into the world that was made a lot darker last night.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

I deserve ...

Famous last words ... "I deserve"

Maybe it's the commercials on TV, maybe it's just an American quality, but we feel we deserve more, and we deserve better. We work hard, we do so much, so we really deserve so many things. A spouse, kids, house, job, nice car, vacation, peace, good health, happiness; the last is endless.

verb (used with object), de·served,de·serv·ing.

  1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation:to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

verb (used without object), de·served,de·serv·ing.

  1. to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.:to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.
I don't know about you, but I don't think I "deserve" most of the brachos G-d has showered down on me. What is it that He wants from me? A connection. How do Jews connect to Him? Through doing mitzvos, the commandments He has given us. But here's the crux of the problem - G-d has hidden Himself so well, that don't mitzvos doesn't always feel like a connection. It's so easy to fall into a rut, doing the same routine day after day. Daven (morning prayers), saying blessings, washing hands, shabbos, kosher, everything. It becomes a part of who I am, but am I doing out of routine or habit, or because I'm reaching out to Hashem?
I like to think of morning davening as a way of inviting Hashem to be a part of my day with me. Most days though, I rattle off the words with little thought to their meaning. My mind will wander and I'm thinking of a million other things instead of the one thing I should be thinking of. I get annoyed with myself, and ask Hashem to help me connect better, to feel it. I "know" I sounds be putting more effort into certain things, and less into others, but the appeal of feeling good often outweighs the feeling of what's right (meaning religiously). Rabbi Gordon a'h used to say in his Tanya class, "Just because the cow is kosher doesn't mean you have to eat the whole thing!" Meaning, just because something is allowed doesn't mean we have to do it.
I'll admit it. I have awful coping skills. When I get upset, either shopping or chocolate soothe my hurt soul, so I tend to indulge. If life gets to intense, I'll bug out of the house and head to the stores. I know the last thing in the world is, something else. I don't NEED shoes, clothes, jewelry, gadgets, things ... My house is overflowing. I just sometimes feel like I deserve to be happy ...

Which brings me to tonight, neilah. The final prayer on Yom Kippur. The day Hashem forgives our mistakes we've made in the past year. Not magic-wipe-the-slate-clean type forgive. No, this is, "Of boy, I really messed up and I'm soooooo sorry" type of start over. So here we are in the final 40 mins. Mind you, no food or water for the past 24 hours. My head hurts (I've given up giving up caffeine for days before the fast; rather one bad day than a few), I'm very hungry and light headed, and it hits me hard. I'm so weepy, cuz I deserve nothing. I have so much in my life aha all I want is more and more and more and do I really give back the little that He asks of me?? Really, do I? Am I grateful for all these brachos? The family, the relatively good health, the house, the car, the friends, the cool jewelry finds? Yes and no. I'm grateful, but like a addict, it's a powerful pull to want more and more and more. Is it right for me to daven for more? Isn't it enough that I wake up each morning to the brachos I already have? So that is why I cried forgot neilah. I know I don't deserve more. Just forgive me for all the mistakes I've made. I can't even promise not to want more tomorrow, because I'm so human. But for today, I'm offering you my apology for not being content with all that I already have. Just grant me another year.

Maybe that's all we can really ask for. I don't have any answers. Just loads of thoughts.

Just let Moshiach come already, so G-dliness will be revealed, and the connection will come so much easily.

PS ... A quick shout out to my baby girl, whose not a baby anymore. Today was her first Yom Kippur fast. It was incredibly hard for her. She struggled all day, but didn't give in. Near the end, I told her, "You love Hashem more than you love your body". Her sister said that isn't true, but she agreed with me. She realized at any point she could have just ate something, but she didn't. Baby girl, I'm so proud of you! I know how hard this was, and you passed with flying colors. May you always find the right choice an easy one to make. I love you!

Thursday, September 28, 2017

A BIG Mouth -- Not always good

I like to joke around that "I have a big mouth and I am not afraid to use it." I know I have a caustic wit, and I can snap back when I feel attacked.  I've tried to work on not opening my mouth so quickly. My mashpia once told me that she thinks 2, sometimes 3 times before she responds in writing. Me, I just blast out my opinion without thinking of the consequences. At least ... I used to. Part of the reason I haven't been writing as much is because I worry about offending people. NOT because I'm chas v'shalom trying to be politically correct. (That probably will NEVER happen!)  But because I know people disagree with some of my thoughts and opinions. I tend to say things very forcefully. So I have been self-censoring.  The only problem with that is I feel I have lost some of my free speech. (Once you start self censoring, your speech is not completely free. But I have seen too many people get zapped by things they sent out on Twitter or Facebook. I don't want anyone in my family to suffer from something I've posted online. I think I am starting to ramble .... )

Back to the point -- Tomorrow night is Yom Kippur. It is the holiest day of the year. It is the day that Hashem actually forgives all our transgressions we've committed over the past year. The caveat is ... You have to be remorseful and you really aren't supposed to repeat them again.  I've spoken numerous times on the power of Teshuva, repenting, and what a gift it is that G-d gives us.  So Hashem is forgiving us, but only for the sins we committed against Him. Not the hurt and pain we have caused others.  He first wants us to ask each person who we've hurt for forgiveness. It's so important that Hashem won't even consider forgiveness until the other person has granted it.

The cool thing about blogging and tweeting and blasting out all these thoughts is that you have no idea about how many people actually saw what you had to say. The bad thing about forgiveness is that since you have no idea who you actually hurt in this way, YOU CAN'T ASK THEM DIRECTLY!

So basically, I am asking that if there is anything I have said or done that hurt or offended you, please, please, please, find it in your heart to forgive me for this.  I'm trying to figure out if it is a good idea for you to tell me directly, or if it will cause you (and me) more pain.

Wishing you all a gmar chasima tova! Let this PLEASE! be the year that Moshiach comes because we can all get along with one another.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

G-d bless the Men & Women of this country who keep us safe!

I've said this before ... We live in the greatest country in the world. We live in a country where you can say you hate the president and you don't have to worry about being thrown in prison. You can keep kosher and not have to worry that someone is trying to outlaw shechita. You can earn as much or as little as you choose to. You can sit on your duff and drink beer, or start your own business. You can make your own choices. You can buy toilet paper for less than it costs to rent a house. Try doing these things in Venezuela, or Cuba, or North Korea. (Try getting a different hair cut in NK and see how well that works out for you!) 
I've read so many stories of how our Rebbes and our chassidim suffered greatly for the horrible crime of "spreading religion".  The Fredike Rebbe was left with permanent bodily damage from his various incarcerations, including being pushed down a flight of stairs. (And elderly man! How??? How does a human being do such a thing???)  We've been burned at the stake, forced to convert, and lost so many lives, and yet here, we are allowed to practice our religion. Not only practice it, but we are protected from others trying to stop us! We have rights and freedoms that some people in other countries can only dream of! Try saying you don't like Radical Islamic Terrorists in Germany, and see how well that works out for you. Try walking down the street in Sweden at night with no male and see how well that works out for you (females).

We have incredible men and women who have dedicated their lives to protecting our freedoms. Maybe people take them for granted because they have actually had them threatened. I don't know. All I know is that by not standing with respect for our National Anthem, you are spitting on the graves of every single person who has ever put on a uniform and fought for our country! You are spitting in the faces of the families who graciously allow their loved ones to be away for extended periods of time, never knowing if they will be coming home again. You are literally spitting in the face of the Statue of Liberty, saying, I don't care that others sacrifice for me ... I only care about ME!

These ... things ... (I can't call them people, because they aren't mentchlich) ... seem to think they are entitled to say or do whatever they want while they are working. In the real world, it doesn't work like that. In the real world, if you show up at work, and decide that you are going to march around with a picket sign instead of doing your job well ... you will have plenty of free time to protest because you aren't going to be having a job for much longer.  Most jobs don't let people just do whatever they, cuz it "feels" right. There are certain rules that have to be followed. 

If these football things were sincere about their protest, why can't they organize one on their own time?  Organize the million football player things march on Washington, complete with signs and shouts and whatever else you feel you need. But no. These spoiled overgrown babies will do it while demanding that the hand that feeds them keeps on giving them more food.

Sorry. One lesson these overgrown babies haven't learned yet is you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Americans are SICK AND TIRED OF THIS CRAP! And we aren't going to take it. I, for one, do not watch football. I don't watch any TV or movies or listen to music or read these books. I don't want the liberal lean that they have to them. I prefer to spend my time with like-minded individuals, ones who love this country and want to see it improve. You think the police are targeting black people? What is your spitting in the military's face going to do about that? Why not go into Chicago or Detroit, and sit with kids and teach them how to read? Why not work to get kids out of gangs, and help them to do well in school. Sponsor some kids to go to college, or set them up with a business so they can hire more people ... No. That won't work, because it involves actual time, effort and *GASP* money ... which the overgrown babies don't want to part with. Instead, they will be armchair quarterbacks (pun intended) by pretending to care so much that they have to "take the knee". These overgrown babies do not know what it means to take a knee. They have never had anyone present a flag to their family member, the one that covered their loved one's coffin ...

Stop thinking about your stupid ideas, get off your high horse, and do something real if you are so concerned. As for the rest of us, NFL is now headed towards No Fans Left ... and they will wonder why it happened.

As I have said so many times ... actions have consequences. You bite the hands that feeds you, that hand will no longer stretch out with food in it. I hope and pray that every single person who loves our country, who loves our military, who loves our flag, and who loves our anthem will turn the channel and do something else when football is on. Your welcome to come join me for anything else ... Let's hit Goodwill and find some jewelry jars instead! I'll teach you how to do it if you want.