I deserve ...

Famous last words ... "I deserve"

Maybe it's the commercials on TV, maybe it's just an American quality, but we feel we deserve more, and we deserve better. We work hard, we do so much, so we really deserve so many things. A spouse, kids, house, job, nice car, vacation, peace, good health, happiness; the last is endless.
Deserve?

verb (used with object), de·served,de·serv·ing.

1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation:to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

verb (used without object), de·served,de·serv·ing.

1. to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.:to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

I don't know about you, but I don't think I "deserve" most of the brachos G-d has showered down on me. What is it that He wants from me? A connection. How do Jews connect to Him? Through doing mitzvos, the commandments He has given us. But here's the crux of the problem - G-d has hidden Himself so well, that don't mitzvos doesn't always feel like a connection. It's so easy to fall into a rut, doing the same routine day after day. Daven (morning prayers), saying blessings, washing hands, shabbos, kosher, everything. It becomes a part of who I am, but am I doing out of routine or habit, or because I'm reaching out to Hashem?
I like to think of morning davening as a way of inviting Hashem to be a part of my day with me. Most days though, I rattle off the words with little thought to their meaning. My mind will wander and I'm thinking of a million other things instead of the one thing I should be thinking of. I get annoyed with myself, and ask Hashem to help me connect better, to feel it. I "know" I sounds be putting more effort into certain things, and less into others, but the appeal of feeling good often outweighs the feeling of what's right (meaning religiously). Rabbi Gordon a'h used to say in his Tanya class, "Just because the cow is kosher doesn't mean you have to eat the whole thing!" Meaning, just because something is allowed doesn't mean we have to do it.
I'll admit it. I have awful coping skills. When I get upset, either shopping or chocolate soothe my hurt soul, so I tend to indulge. If life gets to intense, I'll bug out of the house and head to the stores. I know the last thing in the world is, something else. I don't NEED shoes, clothes, jewelry, gadgets, things ... My house is overflowing. I just sometimes feel like I deserve to be happy ...

Which brings me to tonight, neilah. The final prayer on Yom Kippur. The day Hashem forgives our mistakes we've made in the past year. Not magic-wipe-the-slate-clean type forgive. No, this is, "Of boy, I really messed up and I'm soooooo sorry" type of start over. So here we are in the final 40 mins. Mind you, no food or water for the past 24 hours. My head hurts (I've given up giving up caffeine for days before the fast; rather one bad day than a few), I'm very hungry and light headed, and it hits me hard. I'm so weepy, cuz I deserve nothing. I have so much in my life aha all I want is more and more and more and do I really give back the little that He asks of me?? Really, do I? Am I grateful for all these brachos? The family, the relatively good health, the house, the car, the friends, the cool jewelry finds? Yes and no. I'm grateful, but like a addict, it's a powerful pull to want more and more and more. Is it right for me to daven for more? Isn't it enough that I wake up each morning to the brachos I already have? So that is why I cried forgot neilah. I know I don't deserve more. Just forgive me for all the mistakes I've made. I can't even promise not to want more tomorrow, because I'm so human. But for today, I'm offering you my apology for not being content with all that I already have. Just grant me another year.

Maybe that's all we can really ask for. I don't have any answers. Just loads of thoughts.

Just let Moshiach come already, so G-dliness will be revealed, and the connection will come so much easily.

PS ... A quick shout out to my baby girl, whose not a baby anymore. Today was her first Yom Kippur fast. It was incredibly hard for her. She struggled all day, but didn't give in. Near the end, I told her, "You love Hashem more than you love your body". Her sister said that isn't true, but she agreed with me. She realized at any point she could have just ate something, but she didn't. Baby girl, I'm so proud of you! I know how hard this was, and you passed with flying colors. May you always find the right choice an easy one to make. I love you!

A BIG Mouth -- Not always good

I like to joke around that "I have a big mouth and I am not afraid to use it." I know I have a caustic wit, and I can snap back when I feel attacked.  I've tried to work on not opening my mouth so quickly. My mashpia once told me that she thinks 2, sometimes 3 times before she responds in writing. Me, I just blast out my opinion without thinking of the consequences. At least ... I used to. Part of the reason I haven't been writing as much is because I worry about offending people. NOT because I'm chas v'shalom trying to be politically correct. (That probably will NEVER happen!)  But because I know people disagree with some of my thoughts and opinions. I tend to say things very forcefully. So I have been self-censoring.  The only problem with that is I feel I have lost some of my free speech. (Once you start self censoring, your speech is not completely free. But I have seen too many people get zapped by things they sent out on Twitter or Facebook. I don't want anyone in my family to suffer from something I've posted online. I think I am starting to ramble .... )

Back to the point -- Tomorrow night is Yom Kippur. It is the holiest day of the year. It is the day that Hashem actually forgives all our transgressions we've committed over the past year. The caveat is ... You have to be remorseful and you really aren't supposed to repeat them again.  I've spoken numerous times on the power of Teshuva, repenting, and what a gift it is that G-d gives us.  So Hashem is forgiving us, but only for the sins we committed against Him. Not the hurt and pain we have caused others.  He first wants us to ask each person who we've hurt for forgiveness. It's so important that Hashem won't even consider forgiveness until the other person has granted it.

The cool thing about blogging and tweeting and blasting out all these thoughts is that you have no idea about how many people actually saw what you had to say. The bad thing about forgiveness is that since you have no idea who you actually hurt in this way, YOU CAN'T ASK THEM DIRECTLY!

So basically, I am asking that if there is anything I have said or done that hurt or offended you, please, please, please, find it in your heart to forgive me for this.  I'm trying to figure out if it is a good idea for you to tell me directly, or if it will cause you (and me) more pain.

Wishing you all a gmar chasima tova! Let this PLEASE! be the year that Moshiach comes because we can all get along with one another.

G-d bless the Men & Women of this country who keep us safe!

I've said this before ... We live in the greatest country in the world. We live in a country where you can say you hate the president and you don't have to worry about being thrown in prison. You can keep kosher and not have to worry that someone is trying to outlaw shechita. You can earn as much or as little as you choose to. You can sit on your duff and drink beer, or start your own business. You can make your own choices. You can buy toilet paper for less than it costs to rent a house. Try doing these things in Venezuela, or Cuba, or North Korea. (Try getting a different hair cut in NK and see how well that works out for you!) 
I've read so many stories of how our Rebbes and our chassidim suffered greatly for the horrible crime of "spreading religion".  The Fredike Rebbe was left with permanent bodily damage from his various incarcerations, including being pushed down a flight of stairs. (And elderly man! How??? How does a human being do such a thing???)  We've been burned at the stake, forced to convert, and lost so many lives, and yet here, we are allowed to practice our religion. Not only practice it, but we are protected from others trying to stop us! We have rights and freedoms that some people in other countries can only dream of! Try saying you don't like Radical Islamic Terrorists in Germany, and see how well that works out for you. Try walking down the street in Sweden at night with no male and see how well that works out for you (females).

We have incredible men and women who have dedicated their lives to protecting our freedoms. Maybe people take them for granted because they have actually had them threatened. I don't know. All I know is that by not standing with respect for our National Anthem, you are spitting on the graves of every single person who has ever put on a uniform and fought for our country! You are spitting in the faces of the families who graciously allow their loved ones to be away for extended periods of time, never knowing if they will be coming home again. You are literally spitting in the face of the Statue of Liberty, saying, I don't care that others sacrifice for me ... I only care about ME!

These ... things ... (I can't call them people, because they aren't mentchlich) ... seem to think they are entitled to say or do whatever they want while they are working. In the real world, it doesn't work like that. In the real world, if you show up at work, and decide that you are going to march around with a picket sign instead of doing your job well ... you will have plenty of free time to protest because you aren't going to be having a job for much longer.  Most jobs don't let people just do whatever they, cuz it "feels" right. There are certain rules that have to be followed. 

If these football things were sincere about their protest, why can't they organize one on their own time?  Organize the million football player things march on Washington, complete with signs and shouts and whatever else you feel you need. But no. These spoiled overgrown babies will do it while demanding that the hand that feeds them keeps on giving them more food.

Sorry. One lesson these overgrown babies haven't learned yet is you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Americans are SICK AND TIRED OF THIS CRAP! And we aren't going to take it. I, for one, do not watch football. I don't watch any TV or movies or listen to music or read these books. I don't want the liberal lean that they have to them. I prefer to spend my time with like-minded individuals, ones who love this country and want to see it improve. You think the police are targeting black people? What is your spitting in the military's face going to do about that? Why not go into Chicago or Detroit, and sit with kids and teach them how to read? Why not work to get kids out of gangs, and help them to do well in school. Sponsor some kids to go to college, or set them up with a business so they can hire more people ... No. That won't work, because it involves actual time, effort and *GASP* money ... which the overgrown babies don't want to part with. Instead, they will be armchair quarterbacks (pun intended) by pretending to care so much that they have to "take the knee". These overgrown babies do not know what it means to take a knee. They have never had anyone present a flag to their family member, the one that covered their loved one's coffin ...

Stop thinking about your stupid ideas, get off your high horse, and do something real if you are so concerned. As for the rest of us, NFL is now headed towards No Fans Left ... and they will wonder why it happened.

As I have said so many times ... actions have consequences. You bite the hands that feeds you, that hand will no longer stretch out with food in it. I hope and pray that every single person who loves our country, who loves our military, who loves our flag, and who loves our anthem will turn the channel and do something else when football is on. Your welcome to come join me for anything else ... Let's hit Goodwill and find some jewelry jars instead! I'll teach you how to do it if you want.

Happy Reasons vs Sad Reasons

What happens when you move out of New York, and all your friends are there?
You don't see them that often. When Yossi a'h died, my friends came down for the levaya. They returned a year later for the first yartzeit. (I've told you so many times, I have amazing friends!) One comment that really struck me at the time was, "We should only come for happy occasions."
So now, when my New York friends have simchos, I do my best to travel up there. It doesn't always work out, but a lot of times it does. I've been up for a bunch of weddings, they've come down for one of my bar mitzvahs, and again when I made the 10th yartzeit. They are coming down for the hachnases Sefer Torah. I went up for one bar mitzvah (Yossi's namesake).
Once again, I had the pleasure of traveling to New York for another wedding. This one was going to be extra special, because not only is she one of my "New York" friends, she's also a member of the club. You know. The one no one wants to join. They get pulled in kicking and screaming, pounding on the door to be let out while the rest of us are trying our hardest to push that door shut and lock it tight. No more new members allowed! (And yet, somehow they keep slipping in, much to our distress.)
If you haven't figured out, I'm talking about bereaved moms. We get a special magazine called Our Tapestry, and we have a what's app group for us as well.
The wedding was going to be a time to celebrate a happy time, and also to meet in person so many women I've spoken to in cyberspace. I'd put faces to names!

So I come to the hall with my NY friends, and can't decide ... Where do I sit? NY friends or bereaved friends? I was leaning towards Our Tapestry, because I had gone out with my NY friends the night before.
I've tried to explain my crazy crazy life. If you're on What's App, you might get it. There are different channels, or groups. On one group I'm reading about politics, then another is bereavement, another is my family chat, my seminary friends, my high school friends, the group for the ladies in my community ... So many different hats to wear, and I often jump from one to another and back again. Sometimes I pray that I don't write a bereavement message to my politics group, or whatever. It can also be very draining, jumping back and forth. To put it in a Seinfeldism, World's are colliding Jerry! That's how I go through life in general, where two conflicting emotions are present at the same time.
I met a mom whom I have never met before. We sat for so long, talking about our kids, how they died, how we deal, etc. It was for at least an hour. We it depressing, a total downer? Nope! It's always very validating to know you aren't a freak and others feel like you do. So even though the topic is a depressing topic, it wasn't depressing to speak about it.

My favorite experiences last night, besides dancing with my friend to celebrate her daughter's wedding? All of them! I was thrilled to see Chaya Ted on a woman I have admired for years. From the time I was a counselor in camp Gan Yisroel, I always put her on a pedestal. Yea, she's only human, but she's always loomed larger than life in my book. When Yossi was facing his first transplant, Chaya was speaking in Richmond. I asked her to come down and give us chizuk. She came with all her usual grace and charm. I later learned that Chaya had a son who passed away.  How she was able to walk into a transplant unit, and not give even a hint of discomfort? I'll never know. I can't imagine doing it, although we did go visit someone once, as their child was dying, to give them comfort and strength. Chaya has been someone who has gently tried to guide me through this black maze. She was the one I asked to speak at the 10th yartzeit. I also think she would be so surprised to know how many times I have quoted her pearls of wisdom.

Of course, the whole day I kept talking to my NY friends about Zissy. Zissy and I are soul sisters. We are two peas in a pod who found each other the cutest way. She had recently lost her beloved son Motty a'h. This was before what's app, before Our Tapestry. It was a time when us bereaved moms were finding each other. My user name on Facebook was ... Wait for it ... Inmemoryofyossi ... Yea, I use it everywhere, but so many people have found me because of it. Zissy was one of those people, and we totally clicked right from the beginning. Of course I dragged her around to meet all my NY friends. (Worlds totally colliding in a great way!)
Next up, another person I have admired from a far. I see a woman hug Shoshana, and I'm like, You're M.C. Millman! Of course, she has no idea who I am, cuz she's never seen me before. I had Zissy on one side, so I asked her to sit on the other. I showed her how I recognized her ... Her picture had been posted to Our Tapestry. We laughed at that. We hit it off, and ended up having a great time.  (Zissy called us the "Charlie Angels of Bereavement". I love it!
Now, let me explain something ... I was giving running reports to the group. You know, vital information like, Surprise! Shoshana wore purple! (She loves people, her user name is purple safta.) I was posting pictures of us as people were arriving. So a woman comes up to me, and says, You're Leah.
Um, yea, but how did you know?
Cuz you posted a picture of yourself with Shoshana.  (See above)
Oh duh!!! Sometimes brilliance is not my forte and connecting the dots needs a little help. 😂
So many sweet sweet ladies! So many precious, gorgeous kids ... So many empty arms ... But we were there dressed up, with smiles on our faces and happiness in our hearts for our dear friend Shoshana.
And just what makes Shoshana so special that she can pull all these woman from all different backgrounds together? Shoshana has made it her mission to go to shiva houses. She wears her purple ... The bereaved moms may not remember her name, but they do remember the beautiful words of chizuk Shoshana gave  them. How she had the strength to do it? I don't know. I went once locally, and it was so hard. I struggle to hold myself up, and here is Superwoman holding not only herself, but many of us.
I know I've said it so many times, but it truly bears repeating. I do see good that has come out of this. I've met the most incredible woman. I seen super human strength. I am love and goodness showered on others whom some have never met in person. I feel a bond to all these incredible woman who have endured what no one should have to. The pain, suffering, agmus nefesh really, cuz there aren't English words to really describe it, and yet the unconditional love and understanding ...
All I can say is that I'm truly blessed, and I pray that no one finds out first hand what I'm trying to convey.
 n'eNow

Me & my favorite brother and one of my nieces.

Cute story ... My niece Chanie just started seminary. The principal is the same woman as when I went (not saying how many years ago!).  Chanie tells me, Morah Gorewitz has been called Leah a few times, and she said she will probably do it through the whole year! ROTFL! (I totally get it ... I used to tell the kids that I taught, "I'm really bad with names. If I call you by a sibling's name, just answer to it please!")

Chai Elul, #HurricanIrma & the Master Puppeteer

Chai Elul has come and gone. Each year is so different. One year, it will trigger me, another year it goes by with nary a beep on the radar (except for a quick acknowledgement of the day).  This year, it was more like the second way. I was a little worried leading up to it, as I hate when it falls out on shabbos.  20 years ago, on Shabbos Chai Elul, my life and world was turned so totally upside down. I commented last night at the dinner table that 20 years ago this time, we were still so innocent, so naive. We lived in a world were we had this illusion that we decided everything in our lives. We picked to live in VA. We picked our house, our cars, our clothes, our friends, our food, everything. I even felt that I picked when I would have kids and the gender I wanted.

*C*O*N*T*R*O*L*
We all feel like we are in control of our lives. We pick what clothes we are going to wear. We pick what car we are going to drive, what to make for dinner, who to marry, where we will live, what profession we want to be ... we control our destiny, and it is all from the sweat of our brows that we have it, right?

That Shabbos, late morning, it came crashing down. I heard the most awful words a parent could ever hear ... "You have one very sick little boy." It was the morning Yossi was diagnosed with cancer. I was thrown into a world where kids get sick, and suffer tremendously, and all I can do is sit back and helplessly watch.  One of the hardest lessons I learned in Yossi's illness was the fact that I am NOT in control of ANYTHING. Hashem gives us this illusion that we are in control.  One thing that had bothered me greatly was that everything happened on Shabbos.  My husband said that maybe it happened on Chai Elul (the 18th day of Elul, a significant day in Chabad) because Chai means Life, and it is showing that Yossi will survive this.  (In some ways, I do feel he did, since he made it through that first transplant, and was granted an extra 2 1/2 years. The doctors didn't expect him to survive to the first transplant even.)

So here I am, thrown into this crazy, crazy world ... the one where the illness is so severe that the treatment itself is a carcinogen!  (I know of other kids who survived their cancer to go on to have other cancers that were caused by the chemo they got.)  One were the nurses wore double gloves and advised me not to bring my little kids because the chemo was so toxic.  All I can do is sit back and watch, cuz there is nothing else for me to do.

Fast forward 20 years ... and Florida is bracing itself for one of the hugest hurricanes to ever hit it. Everyone has advice to give those in Florida (myself included). It's so easy to be an armchair quarterback, now isn't it??? Truthfully, I will give you the best information I was given.  I had asked a mom, a fellow bereaved mom, a question. I wanted to know how much we controlled our destiny, and how much is pre-determined.  Her answer was that EVERYTHING, every single thing was decided by Hashem except for one thing ... whether to do a mitzva or not.  Eat kosher, dress tzanuah, put on tefillin, observe shabbos, that is in our power to decide.  What to wear, nope. What car we drive? Nope. The house we live in, the city we live, the job we do, nope, nope, and nope.  She told me, Basically, just sit back and enjoy the show.

Hashem is the Master Puppeteer, and He is pulling our strings and directing our lives.  Do we have free choice? Absolutely. We can choose whether to open our mouths and spread lashon hora, or keep them shut and not.  We can slip that non-kosher candy into our mouths when no one else is looking or again, not.  Text on Shabbos, or unplug? That is all up to us.  To serve chicken soup or split pea soup, no, not our choice.

From my experience, choosing to live like this is so totally liberating.  The other day, I called one of the local Goodwills that I *LOVE* to get jars from. They have nice stuff and I am usually very happy with my purchases from there. They said they would be working on one later.  When I had a few minutes much later in the day, I called. Yes, they had put a jar out.  I quickly drove down to the store, and when I walked in, I saw another guy who also buys jars purchasing the jar. Was I upset? No. Was I disappointed, yeah. But you see ... the Master Puppeteer did not have my name on that jar. THAT is why I wasn't upset, because I wasn't supposed to get it. Very clearly, it had the other guy's name on it. (And, I once bought a jar he wanted, so it was sorta even, in a weird way.) I totally get that He is pulling all the strings, and we are all getting exactly what we are supposed to get.  I have no issue with being happy for my other friends when they find great things. I was beyond thrilled with my friend who found an 18K gold bracelet from a $25 bag she cashed in two days later for almost a grand. Yay her!

So everyone, just take a chillax pill. Sit back, watch the show. Preferably from a far away location, if you are asking me for advice. (Been through a hurricane once and hope to never repeat it again.)

On a side note ... it's not too late to donate to Yossi's sefer Torah! 

inmemoryofyossi.com/sefertorah