I deserve ...

Famous last words ... "I deserve"

Maybe it's the commercials on TV, maybe it's just an American quality, but we feel we deserve more, and we deserve better. We work hard, we do so much, so we really deserve so many things. A spouse, kids, house, job, nice car, vacation, peace, good health, happiness; the last is endless.
Deserve?

verb (used with object), de·served,de·serv·ing.

1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation:to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

verb (used without object), de·served,de·serv·ing.

1. to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.:to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

I don't know about you, but I don't think I "deserve" most of the brachos G-d has showered down on me. What is it that He wants from me? A connection. How do Jews connect to Him? Through doing mitzvos, the commandments He has given us. But here's the crux of the problem - G-d has hidden Himself so well, that don't mitzvos doesn't always feel like a connection. It's so easy to fall into a rut, doing the same routine day after day. Daven (morning prayers), saying blessings, washing hands, shabbos, kosher, everything. It becomes a part of who I am, but am I doing out of routine or habit, or because I'm reaching out to Hashem?
I like to think of morning davening as a way of inviting Hashem to be a part of my day with me. Most days though, I rattle off the words with little thought to their meaning. My mind will wander and I'm thinking of a million other things instead of the one thing I should be thinking of. I get annoyed with myself, and ask Hashem to help me connect better, to feel it. I "know" I sounds be putting more effort into certain things, and less into others, but the appeal of feeling good often outweighs the feeling of what's right (meaning religiously). Rabbi Gordon a'h used to say in his Tanya class, "Just because the cow is kosher doesn't mean you have to eat the whole thing!" Meaning, just because something is allowed doesn't mean we have to do it.
I'll admit it. I have awful coping skills. When I get upset, either shopping or chocolate soothe my hurt soul, so I tend to indulge. If life gets to intense, I'll bug out of the house and head to the stores. I know the last thing in the world is, something else. I don't NEED shoes, clothes, jewelry, gadgets, things ... My house is overflowing. I just sometimes feel like I deserve to be happy ...

Which brings me to tonight, neilah. The final prayer on Yom Kippur. The day Hashem forgives our mistakes we've made in the past year. Not magic-wipe-the-slate-clean type forgive. No, this is, "Of boy, I really messed up and I'm soooooo sorry" type of start over. So here we are in the final 40 mins. Mind you, no food or water for the past 24 hours. My head hurts (I've given up giving up caffeine for days before the fast; rather one bad day than a few), I'm very hungry and light headed, and it hits me hard. I'm so weepy, cuz I deserve nothing. I have so much in my life aha all I want is more and more and more and do I really give back the little that He asks of me?? Really, do I? Am I grateful for all these brachos? The family, the relatively good health, the house, the car, the friends, the cool jewelry finds? Yes and no. I'm grateful, but like a addict, it's a powerful pull to want more and more and more. Is it right for me to daven for more? Isn't it enough that I wake up each morning to the brachos I already have? So that is why I cried forgot neilah. I know I don't deserve more. Just forgive me for all the mistakes I've made. I can't even promise not to want more tomorrow, because I'm so human. But for today, I'm offering you my apology for not being content with all that I already have. Just grant me another year.

Maybe that's all we can really ask for. I don't have any answers. Just loads of thoughts.

Just let Moshiach come already, so G-dliness will be revealed, and the connection will come so much easily.

PS ... A quick shout out to my baby girl, whose not a baby anymore. Today was her first Yom Kippur fast. It was incredibly hard for her. She struggled all day, but didn't give in. Near the end, I told her, "You love Hashem more than you love your body". Her sister said that isn't true, but she agreed with me. She realized at any point she could have just ate something, but she didn't. Baby girl, I'm so proud of you! I know how hard this was, and you passed with flying colors. May you always find the right choice an easy one to make. I love you!