I'M DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. My. Gosh! I can't believe I did this.

A few years ago, Shauly tossed out to me that he thinks it would be very meaningful for us to get a sefer Torah l'iluey nishmas Yossi a'h.  I hemmed and hawed.  I always wanted one, but it is just sooo much money.  A friend of mine did one a few years ago.  She told me, "Leah, just do it. The money will come.  You will see.  You will commit to it, and the money will come."  I can commit to smaller amounts, and know that Hashem will send the money.  I've done it before.  Just pledge money to charity, and yes, something always happens to fulfill the pledge.  But this is different.  A Sefer Torah costs as much as Jewish wedding, if not more.  So the idea was in the back of my mind, sort of like, when I win the Lotto type thing.  (I guess you actually have to buy tickets to win, but that is another story, right?)

A few weeks ago, I went to a bar mitzvah.  Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I DON'T DO BAR MITZVAHS.  I decided years ago it was just too painful.  Why put myself through this torture?  It was hard enough to make my own son's bar mitzvahs.  That is enough.  However, this time, it was my mechutan's (daughter-in-law's mother -- no English word for that) son's bar mitzvah.  I was in NY anyway for my brother's son's upsherin (first hair cut at the age of 3).  So I figured, why not go?  Friday night as we were walking to the meal, I said to myself, "What am I doing here? Why did I come???"  I was thinking, maybe I would skip the actual bar mitzvah part of the weekend ... maybe no one would notice.  The next morning, I put on my big girl pants, and went to the shul.  During part of the service, her son was handed the sefer Torah to hold.  Seeing him stand there holding the sefer Torah with so much love and pride in his face, well ... right then and there, I decided that it is totally time to do it.  While Yossi himself would never do that, I could at least have a sefer Torah that family members could hold with love and pride.

Now it just so happens that Yossi's childhood friend Adam is in town.  Adam also happens to be a sofer, a scribe who writes religious items, like tefillin or mezuzah or a sefer Torah.  I spoke to him briefly about it two years ago, but I was just not ready to make that commitment right then.  Then I bumped into him before one of the yom tovim. We spoke briefly about the sefer Torah, but just left it at, I wanna do it someday.  Last night, Simchas Torah, I saw him in shul.  He lives in Israel, so for him, it wasn't yom tov anymore. For me, well, I know you are allowed to talk about a mitzva on Shabbos, so I figured it was OK to talk about this.  He was so kind to spend a long time speaking with me.  A sefer Torah is a huge project. He needs at least 18 months to complete. It is written on parchment paper with a quill and ink.  My favorite Judaica site has misc. information on a Torah scroll here: Torah Scroll Facts  Being that it was Simchas Torah, and people all around were dancing with Torahs, I just felt that the time is right.  I said, "Let's do it. Let's make this happen."

The number he quoted is terrifying to me.  More than double what I thought the entire project was going to cost.  That doesn't include other costs, such as the mantel (cover), yad (silver reading stick), keser Torah (silver crown), but even with all that ... it looks like ... IT'S A GO!

YOSSI IS IY'H GETTING A SEFER TORAH!!!  

I just hope Moshiach comes before so he can rejoice with his own sefer Torah. And if chas v'shalom he doesn't, well, keep the weekend of March 22, 2019 open, cuz that will be his 18th yartzeit.  That is my projected date for the project to be completed.  Being that this is a huge project with a 2 1/2 year time line, I do plan to update here with progress and feelings.  So stay tuned.

 Yossi's 7th birthday party

Look who we bumped to in Silver Springs!

Yossi (a'h) had shingles; hence the red on his face.

Chai Elul, 19 Years Ago

Below is an essay I wrote as we approached Chai Elul 2011.  Someone had told me that I was using my son's death as an excuse for many things.  I wrote this as a response to give a tiny glimpse into my life. This year, Chai Elul begins on the same English date as the original diagnoses, Sept 20, 1997. The day my world was turned upside down, and it has never been righted since.

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness month.  Which is sort of an oxymoron, given that childhood cancer research gets barely any money or attention.  September is also the month in which my son was diagnosed with leukemia in 1997.  I would like to share my thoughts on what it is.

 

What is Childhood Cancer?

 

Childhood cancer is not the smiling happy kids you see in the St. Jude's commercials.  Childhood cancer is sitting in the doctors office, and hearing, "You have one very sick little boy."

 

It's driving down the major medical center on Shabbos with your husband screaming he is going to sue the doctor for freaking us out because he can't believe they can diagnose leukemia that fast.  (Yes, they can.  It is a simple blood test.)

 

Childhood cancer is signing consent forms that tell you how dangerous the treatment.  It's the Ped-Onc telling you if you don't sign them your child will die.

 

Childhood cancer is sitting in the clinic, your new world, where the nurses put on double gloves that are super thick because the chemo is so toxic.

 

Childhood cancer is your child barfing and barfing because no one gave you a prescription for zofran.  ("Whoops, we forgot.  Sorry.")

 

Childhood cancer is having your child go out in a mask because their counts are going to fall.

 

Childhood cancer is planning your events around your child's counts.

 

Childhood cancer is spending holidays in the hospital because your child's count have dropped or the developed a fever.  (A fever over 101.4 is automatic admission.)

 

Childhood cancer is getting a call from your father-in-law that your son is screaming in pain and the resident won't do anything.

 

Childhood cancer is facing your worst fears every day.

 

Childhood cancer is hearing the words that your child has relapsed.

 

Childhood cancer is spending hours researching which facility has the best numbers in dealing with a child who was supposedly cured 9 months before.

 

Childhood cancer is leaving your friends and family and flying to a new city where you know no one but finding you do have friends there.

 

Childhood cancer is not leaving your child's room for two weeks because you are scared he could die at any minute.

 

Childhood cancer is climbing into bed and trying to get enough hugs and kisses in to last a life time.

 

Childhood cancer is making the decision to turn off the medication that is barely keeping your son's heart beating. 

 

Childhood cancer is watching your child's heart slowly stop pumping blood and hearing the resident pronounce him dead.

 

Childhood cancer is burying your child.

 

Childhood cancer is prying your husband away from the grave because he never wants to leave.

 

Childhood cancer is waking up every single day and knowing that you have lost a big part of you.

 

Childhood cancer is meeting other parents who have also lost children in a similar way but feeling that they suffered so much more than you did.

 

Childhood cancer is having friends whose kids made it, but continue to suffer with long term effects, such as learning disabilities, infertility, health problems, and secondary (and sometimes third) cancers.

 

Childhood cancer is feeling alone because it seems that no one cares enough to really find a true cure for our kids that are not toxic.

Little by little, Step by step

Sometimes in life, we think we can't do something. We think, Oh, it's too hard or it will take too long. So we don't even start.
Last December, Michoel gave me a Garmin Vivofit. I was thrilled to start keeping track of my steps. It's really cool to see when I more active and when I was lazy. I've recently been having issues with syncing. Today I was finally able to do it. And look what I found out!

Do you see that? In 8 1/2 months, I've taken a million and a half steps!!! If someone would have told me, Try to take a million steps, I would have thought they were crazy. The fact is, when you break down a big goal into small baby steps, anything is possible.
It reminds me of my friend Melanie. I met Melanie at a Chai Lifeline bereavement retreat. Melanie and I really hit it off. Recently, Melanie completed everything, and now she is Dr Melanie, licensed phycologist. I've been friends with her all these years as she went back to school. She has a goal, and just kept plugging along.
Baby steps end up equaling a lot of big steps.
Wishing you a good shabbos!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Tonight/tomorrow is chof ches Tammuz, the 28th day of the Hebrew month Tammuz.  It also happens to be my birthday. Yay!
The Lubavitcher Rebbe emphasized that we should celebrate our birthday by doing several things. Chabad.org has several great articles, so I am not going to post what is already available.

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/481087/jewish/How-Do-Jews-Celebrate-Birthdays.htm

Birthdays celebrate when we were born.  There is a certain mazel when we were born, and chassidus teaches us that each day happens again.  Meaning that the events that happened before happen again.  When we celebrate Passover, we should feel literally like we are leaving Egypt.  I got this from Chabad.org (can you tell it's one of my favorite sites?):

The Talmud—the ancient encyclopedia of Jewish wisdom—seems to contradict itself on the issue. In one place it states, “On your birthday, your mazel is strong.” Elsewhere the Talmud reports, “The Jewish people are not subject to mazel”!

The word mazel literally means “a drip from above.” Mazel can have different connotations depending on its context, but they are all connected to this basic definition—something trickling down from above.

The signs of the zodiac are called mazalot. Jewish tradition sees the constellations on high as directing the destiny of individuals and nations down below. Thus mazel is the influence dripping down from the stars. (Over the years, bad or good mazel came to mean “luck” more than “destiny.”) When the Talmud says that we are not subject to mazel, it means that we are not limited to our destiny; rather, our own actions determine our fate.

With this in mind, on our birthdays, we have the power to bless people.  So I want to bless anyone who reads this with GeFeN. Gezunt, good health; Parnasa, livelihood; Nachas, sorta like enjoying your kids, but not exactly, there is no real translation, sorry. You should ALL have GeFeN, and most of all, revealed goodness.  (We know that everything that G-d does is good, but it doesn't always appear good to us.  Revealed goodness means being able to see how good it is.)  Hashem should bless you all with the zchus of seeing the arrival of Moshiach immediately!

My Background on How I became a JEW WITH AN ATTITUDE

I was born and raised in sunny Southern California.  My parents divorced when I was 2, which was very unusual at the time. NO ONE got divorced then. My mom was the only single mom, which is something that I really tell her, but WOW! What an incredible thing she did, raising us alone when there was no one else doing it!
My mom was very, very liberal.  As a young girl, I remember my mom working on the McGovern campaign.  She was very involved and really into it.  I asked, "Why are you voting for McGovern?" She explained," We are Jews.  Jews vote Democrat."  I asked her why, but she didn't know.  It is just the way it is.  Now you have to understand that I just looked it up. McGovern ran in '72. I was all of 6 when this happened!  Fast forward to the year I turned 18.  I have no idea why, but I voted for Reagan. I can't even remember why.  I just know I was SOOO excited to vote and that it was a presidential election and my candidate won! Whoo hoo!  It was only much later that I came to appreciate what a fantastic president he was.  (He is actually one of the people I would love to be able to go back in time and speak with if someone makes a time machine.)

That is the closest I am ever going to get to meeting him sadly.  (Thank you to my dear Hubby for doing that for me.)

Now my husband is also a conservative.  It was never something we spoke about.  It just happened.  (We think a like on a lot of things.)  Now his parents were a different story.  Again, we are talking older Jewish parents who grew up with the Jews vote Democrat.  My in-laws voted for Clinton.  Now over the last maybe 10 or 12 years, both my mom and my in-laws have slowly woken up, and realized that the Democrats are NOT the party for Jews.  I am so happy to say that they are all very proud and strong conservatives, along with my brother.  I work very hard to speak with other Jews who think that the Democrats are the party of choice for us.  Now more than ever it is so not the case.

As I write this, we saw protesters burning the Israeli flag, and other ones INSIDE waving PLO flags.  The Democrats have moved very strongly away from supporting Israel.  Hillary herself is very anti-Israel.  You can read it for yourself here: http://www.frontpagemag.com/fpm/261443/hillarys-emails-hating-israel-ari-lieberman Her hatred for Jews goes very far back, to when Bill was campaigning.  Lid with a Yid blogged about it here: http://lidblog.com/hillary-clintons-latest-lie-shes-a-friend-of-israel/# One of my friends learned the hard way that the Democrats are anti-Israel.  Her son lives in Israel.  She happened to be there when the war in Gaza happened, and the government here shut down the airports and wouldn't allow flights in or out.  She was stuck.  I am not sure if that was the turning point, but I do know when she came back, she told me that she is sorry she voted not once, but TWICE for B.O.

Sadly, many Jews are liberals today. They have thrown off the yoke of Torah, and accepted Liberalism as their religion. They don't give a hoot about Israel, and l'havdil, Huffington Post is their bible.  Whatever HuffPo says is gospel to them.  Jews in general are very compassionate people, which is why they used to belong with the Democrats.  But as the Democrats swing slowly towards Jew haters, it is no longer the place for them to be.  But they don't see that.  One of the most important videos anyone can watch about the Middle East can be found here: What Really Happened In the Middle East 

So there you have it.  A little girl who always bucked the system and asked a lot of questions and figured things out for herself.  And this same little girl has managed to wake up other Jews along the way.  

By the way, I wrote a little piece for the Open House section of a Jewish magazine, but I missed the deadline, so I will post it here. 

This year more than ever it's so important for every person to register and vote.  We have a candidate running whose platform is in line with Torah values. A platform that calls for  Yerushalayim to remain united, and possibly abandoning the ago called  two state solution. How often did the Rebbe cry about the importance of not giving up even an inch of the holy land of Eretz Yisroel, let alone half of our most holy city?!!!  The other party's platform is looking like it will support our enemies. This same party has pushed for us to accept lifestyles that are against Torah. We all know that the Rebbe was also very passionate about the idea of school choice, giving parents the right to allocate their tax dollars to be used in private schools via school vouchers. Imagine how much this would help families struggling to pay tuition rather than funneling all the tax dollars into public schools that most frum families don't use.  (See issue #xx for an article about this topic.)  The GOP presidential candidate has stated very clearly that this is a topic he strongly supports. 

I know some people feel that their vote doesn't matter. This past summer there was a primary in New York. The Democrat candidate has voted in support of the Iran Deal (a deal that gives Iran nuclear capability). In Manhattan, he got 90% of the vote. However, in Brooklyn, he won by one vote. Yes, one vote. And while he is still the Democrat candidate, it sends a very strong message that Brooklyn was very upset with him. 
One last thought for those of you who think you don't have time to register or vote. In 1997, my son was diagnosed with leukemia. On the day of the election, he was in the ICU with a fever of 104. I still took the time to go vote. If I could do it, there is very little reason why someone else shouldn't be able to find the time to register and vote. We need to stand up for Torah and in this election we have a chance to do just that.  

This part is so important that I didn't have a chance to add, so I will embed it here.  This is a Town Hall meeting in Roanoke, VA this week.

You will not hear this from the Democrats, that is for sure.

Bike 4 Chai

Chai LifeLine ... an organization that helps families of kids with cancer, and so much more.  Before Yossi a'h ever got sick, I used to donate to them.  I felt like it was a sort of "insurance".  You know ... donate and it will never happen to us, right?
When Yossi got sick, I felt very alone.  You have to understand that he was diagnosed in 1997.  The Internet was fairly new.  We had only gotten a computer the year before.  I didn't know of any other frum families who had sick kids.  I had asked his doctor to hook me up with another family who had other kids, but that didn't work out as I had hoped.  She introduced me to a family whose child was off treatment for several years.  I needed to know basic things, like how to deal with the sick child along with meeting the needs of the other children.  I constantly felt torn and there was no one I coudl talk with.  I looked online, and found a community called Ped-Onc.  It is a list serve for parents of kids with cancer.  (A list serve is an email community, where you send one email and it goes out to the whole group.)  I met a lot of other moms whose kids all had cancer.  Many of them with the same diagnoses.  In fact, when Yossi went to transplant the first time, my cyber-friend Ricky had a son going to transplant right around the same time.  It was through this list serve that I met a Jewish woman who lives in Baltimore.  She was the one who introduced me to Chai Lifeline.  From that point on, our life changed completely.  I'll never forget our case worker, Ellen, telling me, "You are not alone now.  You are part of the Chai Lifeline family."  (I am tearing up just hearing her in my head tell me those words.)  She also laughed when I told her we weren't supposed to be going through this, as I had taken out insurance against it.  She told me many people feel that way, and if only it would really work like that!
So what exactly did Chai Lifeline do?  To tell you the truth, there is too much for me to even remember it all. But there is a lot.  Yossi was inpatient on a three day yom tiff.  Ellen arranged for us to have a refrigerator to keep our kosher food in.  She also sent us a huge package of food to get us through the three day holiday.  When Yossi was stable, Chai Lifeline had him join the Ohr Meir Foundation on their trip down to Florida to go to Disney World.  The first night Yossi called me up crying that he didn't like the food for dinner.  (My kids are very picky eaters.)  I called Ellen, who reassured me that the cook will make anything that Yossi wants to eat.  He just has to tell them what it is he wants!  Can you imagine?  It's the same in Camp Simcha too, which I will get to later.

They let Yossi go a second time right before his second transplant as well, even though they are technically only supposed to go once.
Chai Lifeline sent my kids huge Chanukah packages full of presents.  Not just for Yossi, but for the other kids as well.  Even after Yossi passed away, the packages continued for a few years.  I participated in a once a week phone chat with other moms.  I am still in contact with two of those moms to this day.  We had a retreat for families of kids with cancer that made us feel like we were in a 5 star hotel.  There were programs that we went up to Baltimore to participate in for the other kids.  Fun days at Port Discovery, and carnivals.  We were always made to feel welcome, even though we lived so far.  When the chemo failed to achieve remission, it was Ellen who called the Bostoner Rebbe for a bracha. And it was this Rebbe who told us to add a name.  Ellen was one of the first calls I made when Yossi relapsed.  Ellen continued to call me for years after Yossi's death on his yartzeit (anniversary day) to let me know she was thinking of me.  I participated in bereavement retreats.  The counselors from Camp Simcha drove down and spent a day with us, sharing pictures and stories.
Camp Simcha is and of itself a full topic.  In 2000, before his relapse, Yossi got the ok to go. Camp Simcha is a magical place for the kids with cancer.  They pack into each day a weeks worth of activities.  They went to a Yankees game.  They had special days in camp.  There was a hachnasas sefer Torah that summer (welcoming a new Torah scroll, which is like a mini wedding). Great gadolim came to visit the kids, as well as sports athletes.  The soda machines there are free. They want the kids to drink a lot, and so they just push on the button and a water or soda comes out.  The grounds are huge, and gorgeous.  Yossi cried when he came home, and he told me he wished he was back there. That was the only time I ever remember him crying for something.  He never complained, and this was not complaining.  It is just that Camp Simcha is truly the most magical place on Earth, and he wished to be back there.  It truly lives up to the name.

So now you are wondering ... why am I writing all this ... Because, to run the programs costs a lot of money.  There are various fund raisers.  Three years ago my son-in-law Ushi rode in Bike 4 Chai.  It is a grueling two day course covering 180 miles.  The second day is the hardest, because the last 60 miles are all uphill. The camp is located in the Catskills Mountains. The bikers cross "The Worlds Greatest Finish Line" in Camp Simcha itself.  (The session is not cancer kids, because they can't have that many people around them. It is Camp Simcha Special, for kids with life long illnesses.)  Last year Shauly rode in it, and he is doing it again this year. He does it in memory of Yossi.
I am really hoping that people who read this will help Shauly meet his goal.  He at least wants to raise as much as he did last year, if not more.  He is still short of that goal.  Please, any amount will help. I can't think of a better cause, and the stories I can tell you about giving tzedakah is amazing.  Just pledge, and Hashem will give you the money to pay your pledge.  I've had it happen every single time.

https://www.bike4chai.com/shauly

Shauly & Ushi

A World With OUT Color

I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Beautiful words spoken by a gentle man who had a very dream for his time ... His dream was simple, a world where you look beyond skin and see the true essence of a person.  (Which is actually part of the idea of tznius, modesty, in Judaism is all about, looking beyond the body and see the woman's inner beauty.)  Martin Luther King dreamed of a world where people would live side by side in harmony together.  I am not an expert on him or his teachings, but I would vouch to say that he would be dismayed and shocked over the state of America today.  We have set up a system where black people are giving an advantage, just because of the color of their skin ... Affirmative Action ... you have to hire a certain number of people based on diversity, not on their skills ... We have a world where people elected a man not because of his ideology, but because of the color of his skin.  THAT IS NOT WHAT HE MEANT!  He meant exactly the opposite!  We should have elected the first black president based on the fact that he was the best man for the job.

And now we see that this man, who, ironically isn't even fully black, he's half black, is trying his hardest to divide this country.  We see time and time again, when a black person is shot, he is quick to jump in with comments on how this awful.  A white woman shot by an illegal, no comment. Five dead police officers in Dallas, time to talk about gun control and himself. Three dead police officers in Baton Rouge, we have to stop the rhetoric ... When will the Left admit, THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE PUSHING COLOR?  They refuse to left people succeed on their own.  It's because the Left feels that left on their own, they won't succeed, which is why they need that helping hand.  Isn't that derogatory?  Personally, if I were black, I would be so insulted with that thought.  Actually, I AM insulted by it, no matter the color of your skin. Basically, the Left is saying that you can't make it on your own, so we are going to give you a helping hand.

Last week I was called a racist because I said that the Democrats have destroyed the black family.  They have created an environment where women are encouraged NOT to have husbands.  They are, in essence, married to the government and dependent on their hand outs.  

I am called a misogynist (maybe a self-hating woman?) because I find it disgusting that the number killer of black babies is abortion.  Again, this is the Left's vicious attack on the black family.   

I don't remember a time when the news would report, a white cop, a black man, etc.  It was always, a man committed this crime.  In a time when the country was supposed to have totally moved past race issues, we are set back so far.  And it is thanks to a man who was supposed to unite us.  Way to Go! Right on track for destroying this country.  I do have to compliment him ... Well done! You set out to destroy and you are doing exactly what you said you would.

G-d help us all! I wish we were closer to a world where people didn't see color, but the Left will never let us.  They are the ones hindering progress.  How ironic they call themselves progressives.  Maybe regressive is more like it.