27 on the 27th

Tonight is Yossi's (a'h) special birthday.  He would have been turning 27 this year, on the 27th of Nissan.

It's so weird.  27 years ago, I didn't even know him.  27 years later, I still don't know him. The hardest part of losing a child is losing the future.  Children ARE the future.  I think about it, especially around his birthday.  Who would he have become?  Who would he have married, the kids he would have had, what profession he would have been, all of it.

Stop.  Not going to focus on the sad parts of this.  Going to look for the good that has come out of it.

First, the best thing that came out of this is, and it is so personal and private, that I hesitate to post it.  I'll say it to give inspiration to anyone who is lo alainu going through this.  The best thing is that my husband and I became closer.  I do think from what I have read that it is basically a myth that the death of a child breaks up a marriage.  The death of a child exasperates the feelings a million times.  If the marriage dies along with the child, then that marriage was going sour before the child died.  Michoel is the only person in the whole world who has gone through this with me, the whole thing, together, side by side.  (I am trying so hard to explain this, and the words are failing me.  I'm sorry!)  There were other people along the way, but no one was with me and continues to be with me 24/7.  (I guess it really is true about being a soul mate.  He is half of me, and I, him.)  So that is a major good thing.  It was the cement in our relationship.

I think that I have become more empathetic to other people's suffering.  Before, I would hear a sad story, and be like, "oh, that's sad".  Now, I feel the pain.  I feel that it has made me a better person than I was before.  The funny thing is, that when Yossi first got sick, the hospital social worker said that people interviewed many years later say that while they would never want their child to get sick, they are glad they went through it.  Sorry, I can't say that.  I am happy I am a better person.  Truthfully, I would rather be a callous person and still have my son here.  LOL ... that is actually so callous of me to write that!

Next ... the incredible amount of mitzvos that have been done, l'iluey nishmas.  I don't even know all of them.  I just know that there are a lot, and he continues to touch people even today, 14+ years after his passing.

Yossi's library.  I just did a quick total. There are over 1600 books there!  Yeah, it's a real library.  A real treasure for our community. Now if I could get more people to use it!

The friends I have made along the way are another bonus.  I have met the most wonderful people.  I would never have met some of them if I hadn't lost him.  (Again, sorry friends ... would rather not know you if it meant having Yossi here.)

My favorite Yossi story, very poignant and bitter sweet.  When I had Yossi, there was a frum nurse in the delivery room.  She came to me the next day, and told me that she was a Holocaust survivor. She said that it was so beautiful to see a Jewish baby being born on Yom Hashoah.  That was the type of neshama he had.  (If anyone knows a frum nurse named Bella with a European accent who worked at Maimonides Hospital 27 years ago, let me know!)

(check back tomorrow ... I'll try to scan more pictures. Every one of these pictures are of Yossi on his birthday.)