I am a pack rat. I've written about this before, but most of them I didn't publish. I figured out a long time ago why I like things. And why I like to have a lot of them. Fabric, I can open up a fabric store. Embroidery supplies, a store for that too. Recently, with my jewelry addiction, I've added enough stuff to open a jewelry store. Why? Why the need for so much stuff?
Easy ... Because there is a hole in my heart and I'm trying to fill it. I fill it with lots of pretty fabric, thread in every color in the rainbow, and more jewelry than even the Queen of England needs. But that hole always remains, so I keep trying to fill it. I realized by Yossi's birthday this year that even if I buy all the jewelry in the world, I won't have what I want the most ...
This shabbos I started a new book, Dancing In The Rain by Ruth Arieli Rapaport. A phrase she mentions in the book caught my eye:
"Every Jew yearns for attention, for acceptance and love. His yearning is deep and persistent. The source of this yearning stems from the neshama's yearning for its Source of life - HaKadosh Baruch Hu. And the soul will never be satiated till the coming of the Redeemer." page 262
A few pages later the main character applies this to another situation:
"That I shouldn't look to other people for comfort. Or for attention or love. I learned that every single Jew longs for attention. He longs for love, and he'll never get enough of it. It all stems from the soul's longing to connect to Hashem, the neshama's unattainable longing. It's a longing that will only be achieved when Moshiach comes." page 267
What an epiphany! It's not just me! It's not just my loss! Everyone is seeking love, and it's part of our Jewish DNA. I understood that the hole will not be filled until Moshiach comes. I just now understand that I'm looking in the wrong places. I need to feel the hole with Torah, to connect to Hashem, and maybe them the yearning will abate a little.
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