That time again ... Koach Tammuz

Chof Ches Tammuaz

The 28th day of the Hebrew month of Tammuz begins now. Michoel came out of bed to wish me Happy Birthday, as I was busy preparing for my kids / grand-kids visit tomorrow.  Wow, how did the evening slip by and it suddenly became this holy, awesome day? For a few weeks now, I've been dreading it, but not for the usual reasons.  I always joke around that having a birthday sure does beat the alternative. but it is also a very solemn day of introspection.
Birthdays are a time of celebration, yes. As it is well known, a birthday is proof that I really do matter in the world. I am here because Hashem wants me here, and I matter to Him. He created me with a purpose and a reason, which is what is leading me to feel a little despondent.  Am I living up to my goals and potential? Am I headed in the right direction? Am I nearing the "end of the line" so to say???
For 2 1/2 years, I worked tirelessly on the Sefer Torah project. I can't begin to think how many hours went into it. Sometimes it feels like a dream, the kind where you wake up and wonder if it was real or not. It's sorta like a fantasy feeling, but then I watch the videos or look at the pictures and I am reminded how real it was.  Where in the world did I get the strength to pull that off??? How did I do that?
A birthday is a time to look back at the previous year to see what I did right (to continue on that path) and what I did wrong (so I can make corrections).  In some ways, it's like a mini Rosh Hoshana, cuz of the reflections and contemplation. That is what is bothering me. Hashem has blessed me with so much. Did I use all the brachos He gave me for the good? Was I worthy of what He gave me? I'm not so sure. If I was able to pull off this super feat of donating a Sefer Torah, what else am I capable of, but didn't do because of my laziness.  Ya, I know ... I'm not supposed to talk lashon hora about myself .... but I do enjoy vegetating on the couch a lot more than I should. I've been trying for weeks to come up with a new birthday hachlata (resolution) for me to take upon myself.  As of right now, I still don't have one. So on one hand, I am thrilled to have this opportunity to celebrate another birthday, but on the other hand, it comes with a huge responsibility.


Time is not linear, it is more circular. When a holiday or event happens, we relive the strength of that day. Like on Pesach, Hashem gives us the strength to break through our personal boundaries. The same idea happens on our birthday. The same koach that Hashem endowed us with at our birth is shining brightly tonight for me. It's our tradition to give a "birthday bracha", a gift to all my friends and loved ones. So here is my bracha to YOU --

Hashem should bless every single one of us to have the ultimate joy of seeing the coming of Moshiach mamash RIGHT NOW!  We should dance and bring karbanos to the Third Bais Hamikdash and be reunited with our loved ones immediately.
Hashem should give everyone good health; curing those who have ailments whether they be physical or emotional. He should give everyone loads of parnasa, so much so that it is overflowing and it should come so easily. He should give everyone what it is the feel they need, a shidduch, a child, parnasa, menuchas hanefesh, brachos in what ever area they feel a lacking. May you all experience an outpouring of His Love in a revealed way, with nachas from your kids and grandkids. But again, most of all ... may we all join together hand in hand and dance with the geulah!

Happy Birthday America!

What can I say, I love this country so much. I've been playing this song daily for over two weeks now. I'm eternally grateful that G-d made me an American citizen.

The more I learn about the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and especially about our Founding Fathers, the more amazing I think they are. They had so much vision and insights. They studied government, and figured out a plan that is spectacular!

Steven Crowder has put up several interesting videos on the 1st and 2nd Amendments and one on the Civil War. The guy he interviewed is so knowledgeable, and also very enjoyable to watch. I'll put a link up if you can't find them.

Freedom is not something to take lightly. As a frum Jew, I know our history. We've been persecuted in every country, as well as thrown out of every country. Except America. Our Founding Fathers made sure that I can daven every day, eat kosher, keep shabbos, give my boys a bris, etc. Jews are being prevented from buying kosher meat in some places, bris is under attack, and one of my friends is being threatened because she wants to teach Judaism to her children via home schooling. Not here, they all live on the other side of the world.

I just wanted to take a minute to Thank G-d for this country, and wish America a very Happy Birthday.

Happy 4th of July! (Got lots of compliments on my shirt today too! Plenty of patriots out there!) #KAG

nazi paraphernalia (yemach shmo!)

I met a lovely lady at a local antique mall. She asked me if I ever get up to Ashland, which is about a 20-25 minute drive from me. I said I some times go up there, and she told me about another mall she sells at.  I am always on the hunt for jewelry, especially vintage pieces, so I was so excited to go on Monday.

I only have eyes for jewelry. I walk in and meet the owner, who seems to be a super nice guy.  He hears me out and shows me around to all the vendors with jewelry, and I spend some time wandering around. The woman who sent me has a lot of nice pieces.  I picked out a bunch from her, and one from another vendor. The owner was so nice and said he would call the vendors and ask for a better price since I was getting a lot of stuff.

While I was waiting for him to get an answer, I wandered around and started looking at other cases. Then I discovered this -- (The video starts 3:03 where she says, "I hope no one is offended.")

Normally, I am not a "snowflake". I have big girl pants and I can handle a lot. But this, well, this was beyond just being offended. This is just plain WRONG!  I was beyond shocked. I was horrified and literally shaking as I was so bothered by it.  I told the owner how upset I was about it. He starts telling me how wonderful the dealer is. He explains it is not the same dealer as I am buying from, and that his kids are all wonderful people as well. I start tuning him out cuz he was literally one line away from saying some of his best friends are Jewish too.  I cut him off and said I am not sure if I am comfortable making a purchase here.

So I go outside to clear my head and think about it. No. This is the owner I am talking to, not some local employee. I go back and explain that by his allowing this in his store, he is condoning it.  I told him six million of my brothers and sisters were murdered by them and I can't support it. I took my Jewish Benjamins and left.

Two days later and it's still bothering me. There are people out there who still glorify and agree with what was done to us. And they are the ones looking to buy this garbage. Those pictures of those monsters, they need to be destroyed, not displayed. History needs to show that they were monsters who brutally and with glee murdered innocent human beings. Anything less is an insult to their memories.

I know I made the right decision. If you are passing through VA, there are tons of great places to visit. Sadly, that is not one of them.

edited to add:
BTW, I mentioned this story today to Billy from The Attic Consignment (awesome shop! Make sure you stop in there and visit it!). He said a few years ago, he got a bunch of stuff. He ended up selling to to a nice Jewish guy. The guy was willing to buy it from him for any price. He asked him why. He said exactly what I mentioned above, that buy this Jewish guy buying it, he is getting it off the market. Most of it he destroys. Good for him. I won't spend money to do that, because with this particular vendor, I feel it will only encourage it rather than discourage it.

edited again to add:
I also get the feeling that they are proud of this. The fact that the case is one of the first ones you see when you walk in (prime selling spot), and the fact that the wife choose to highlight it in their video says a lot to me.

Another Birthday Sans Birth Day Boy

Chof Zayin Nissan

Some people look at it as Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Memorial Day. Honestly, I never even knew about it until the day my Labor and Delivery nurse showed up in my room to tell me how meaningful it was for her to see a Jewish baby born on this day.  To me, this day was always just "Yossi's Birthday".

Wednesday found me getting very down. I had some great jewelry finds, but nothing was enough to pick me up. Usually, I make the birthday child's favorite dinner, but this year I did something different. I made US a special dinner, which we all enjoyed very much. (Thank you to my dear husband for buying us ground lamb for Pesach. LOL ... waited until after to make lamburgers. No, they were not as good as the ones from Burgers Bar in Israel, but they were delish.) 

Thursday morning however found me in a very unusual place for 7:30am. I went to Yeshiva to see them use Yossi's Torah.  I actually heard it before I saw it. I heard the little tinkling of the bells (they aren't real bells, cuz the middle piece is not there, but they do klink against the sides of the kesser) before I realized they had taken it out. I know it was only 3 aliyos, but it was enough to pull me up and carry me though out the whole day.

Thank You Hashem for such a big bracha of having Yossi's Sefer Torah so close by!

Misconceptions and G-d Laughing

There is a famous Yiddish proverb

A MENSCH TRACHT UN GOTT LACHT

Meaning, Man plans and G-d laughs.  Yup. I always say, Hashem has a wicked sense of humor. (I am NOT saying it in an irreverent way. I mean it literally, G-d has a true sense of humor by some of the things He does, IMNSHO (in my NOT SO humble opinion).

At the Hachnasas Sefer Torah, I got to do something extremely meaningful. Now, before I say what I did, I want to talk about misconceptions. There are so many misconceptions about Orthodox Judaism. People who don't truly understand the laws tend to explain in ways that make sense to them, even if they are incorrect. For some reason, people have a misconception about women within Judaism. They think we are second class citizens for a number of reasons.  A woman's role is more of in the background, shaping and prodding, rather than in the trailblazing the way. That's not to say a woman CAN'T be in the forefront. Look at Sarah Schenirer, the founder of the Bais Yaakov movement.  She brought education to Jewish girls, who became the mothers of the next generation, ensuring the continuation of our faith. The truth is, as I learned in the JLI (Jewish Learning Institute) class once, Judaism puts the woman on a pedestal.  It's so true if you at the deeper level of the laws and rules. We are far from second class citizens. We are the mothers who literally are ensuring that Judaism survives. It's a huge role to play. 

Now, there are some things within Judaism that women traditionally do not do. For instance, a man has to pray three times a day. A woman is not obligated in this. (It is nice for her to pray, but it's not an obligation.)  A woman does not wear tzitzis, a 4 cornered garment. Nor do we wear a yarmulka. One of the explanations is that a intrinsically close to G-d. A man needs these external reminders, where a woman has internal reminders. We are so close to G-d because He granted us the ability to bring life in to this world. Part of the morning prayers is wearing tefillin. (No, I'm not gonna translate that cuz the translation is so stupid. Who even knows what that word means????)  As I said before, a woman CAN pray 3 times a day if she wants to. She doesn't have to because the home comes first. Taking care of kids is time consuming. They come first. Some people think women aren't allowed to wear tefillin. It's up for debate yes or no, but Rashi, the greatest commentator on the Torah had daughters that were said to have worn tefillin. 

Traditionally, women do not hold a sefer Torah.  There is no reason to because we aren't there every morning or afternoon. Is a woman forbidden from holding a Torah? That's an interesting question, with lots of opinions. After speaking with a Rav about it, I was told that Yes, I can hold it. I really, really wanted to be the first one to hold the completed Torah.  I worked so hard on it. As one Rabbi said to me, Not only am I allowed to hold it; I SHOULD hold it first. That it would proper and fitting. After speaking with several other women who held the Sefer Torah after it was completed, they all said the same thing. It was very personal and they cried when they held it. I was worried about that. I didn't want to burst into tears in front of everyone. So when the Torah was completed, we went into a side room where I dressed the Torah.  I put the gartel (belt) and mantel (coat) on it. The, Adam picked it up and handed it to me. It was the most surreal moment of the day. This was a second in time I had dreamed of for so many years. I held the Torah, and when I was done, I sent it back into the other room so that it could have the crown placed on top.  That is when I lost it. I burst into tears. Thankfully, my dear bereaved friends, Shoshana and Zissy were with me. They closed the door and held me tight and let me express what I needed to. 

Now why is G-d laughing at me??? Cuz I wanted to keep this private. This was so intimate and personal. Everyone thinks I share every thing about my life and that is so far from the truth. Any hoo ... the most personal moment got shared in a very public forum. The way it was done is fine. It was just that I never communicated to the person that those pictures were off limits for others to see. 

So now that it is done, it's fine. It's G-d's Will, and I accept it. 

Have a great Shabbos!

The Speech I did NOT give ....

I didn't like the speech I wrote, so I just sorta winged it at the Hachnasas Sefer Torah. I was told it was good and I should share it. So here it is in all it's "glory".

Normally, it is a child who marks the passing yartzeits of a parent. For what ever reason, Hashem has chosen to flip the order, and here we are marking the 18^th yartzeit of Yossi a’h. Hindsight is always 20-20. Looking back, I see what a unique and special child he was. While he was alive, I thought of him as a regular child. He was kind and sweet and loving, but he was just Yossi. There are many metaphors that explain the concept of when Hashem sends challenges, like “you squeeze an olive to get oil”. Our forefather Avraham went through 10 tests. One of the reasons was to show the world and Avraham himself his true greatness. I see this with the challenges that Yossi went through. He faced difficulties that many adults would buckle under, and yet, he accepted each one with love. It’s been said many times that Yossi rarely complained about his fate in life. He showed grace and courage while facing these hardships, never losing his precious smile or hope for his future. Even as a toddler, Yossi was exceptional. I remember coming into shul and hearing the other little preschool kids call out excitedly, “YOSSI IS HERE!” Not only did Yossi love everyone, but he was loved by everyone too. My neighbor Hilda said “Yossi used to come to my house. He would sit by the counter and we would discuss the issues of the world.” Yossi, a young boy, and Hilda, a holocaust survivor, and yet, they were friends. Yossi was so brave. The bone marrow unit had a Survivor’s Day, and Yossi was asked to speak at it. He had the courage to stand up in front of 200 people and talk his transplant experience. Yossi was a sensitive and caring. He had this knack for knowing when I was down and needed a hug.

Yossi was a giant, and yet, he was just a boy. He loved to draw and play football and especially to spend time with his friends.

Yossi had a lot of “best friends”. He was very close with a lot of other kids. However, there is one person with whom I think Yossi had a very special connection with. Yonatan and Yossi were always close. They first met when we moved down here, I am thinking when the kids were about 18 months old. Yonatan was Yossi’s first “real” friend. The boys joy knew no bounds when we moved a few doors down from them. They were always back and forth between the two houses. This was back in the days when it was safe to send the kids outside to play by themselves. As Yonatan mentioned, they built incredible forts and snowmen when we had a few of our bigger storms. They walked to and from school with Goldie and Don. When Yossi got sick, Yonatan stood by him. After his first transplant, Yossi was not allowed near other children, to prevent infection. It didn’t matter. Stuart brought Yonatan and Don to my in laws house where he was staying every single shabbos. They would talk through the glass storm door. The very last event Yossi participated in here in Richmond was Yonatan’s bar mitzvah. The boys all lined up on the stage, and were singing songs with Rabbi Sherman. Yossi was thrilled for his best friend. He didn’t have a drop of worry about the next day, when we were leaving for MN. It wasn’t that he was oblivious to what was going to happen. It was Yossi being Yossi … he was truly happy for his best friend.

Two and half years ago, when I decided to launch this campaign, Yonatan jumped right on board. Emotionally, this has been such a crazy experience. The excitement at seeing the project completed, yet the pain of knowing why it was being done. What gave me comfort through was seeing how much Yonatan loves Yossi. I saw it in his eyes when we spoke about him. I saw it when he wrote to various people explaining the campaign and why it was so special to him. For these past two years, Yonatan has given me something not many have in the last 18 years … he shared Yossi with me with the same intensity that I feel for him. And for that Yonatan, there are not enough words to say thank you. His dedication to this project was endless, as was his time. I’ve often said, this is as much your Sefer Torah as it is mine.

Why did I feel the need to have a Sefer Torah written for Yossi, on his 18^th yartzeit? The Torah itself is compared to many things. One of the things Torah is compared to is water. And just like water gives life, so too does Torah. Rabbi Akiva taught that just like a fish can’t live without water, so too a Jew can not live without Torah. For many years I dreaded the idea of an 18^th yartzeit. How could we have it when 18 is Chai and a yartzeit is marking the passing of someone? The two were like oil and water in my mind. If life is so important, then why do we “celebrate” a yartzeit, an anniversary of a person’s passing? The answer is surprisingly simple. It’s because only after a person passes away, do we see the true impact of their life. While a person is alive, they may be a good influence on others. It is more noticeable though by the giant void a person leaves behind. The bigger the impact, the bigger the void.

Over the years, a lot of people have reached out to me to tell me what an impact Yossi a’h has made on their lives. While most of the people are ones who knew and loved him, it continues to amaze the number of people who never knew him while he was alive who are deeply moved by him. You can see some of the comments people have made. Judy Lessin recently said to me:

“What a beautiful child with a beautiful Neshama. Yossi has influenced so many of us during his life and throughout the last 18 years. What a zchus that is. He will always be in our hearts and minds. Think of it - how many people have that big of an impact on so many people.”

Last night, Adrienne Winkleman summed up today with this line – “You didn’t get to choose what happened to Yossi. You do get to choose what you do with it.”

Having this Sefer Torah dedicated in Yossi’s memory is eternal. The mitzvos that are done will stay here forever, long after I’m gone. Yossi will NEVER be forgotten.

Pain Shared is Pain Lessened

<note -- This blog post is one of the most difficult ones to write. I am having a very hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words because they are so overwhelming.>

October 25, 2016; exactly 29 months ago is when I first announced:

I'M DOING IT

After almost 2 and a half years of planning, I finally saw this dream come true.  What a dream it was, and what an unbelievable day it was!

In life, we sometimes (lots of times, actually) have expectations. We have thoughts on what will make us happy ... our marriages, a job, kids, vacation, etc. When these expectations fall short, they leave us feeling sad and disappointed and searching for another way to find happiness or whatever we were searching for.  This was not one of those times. This was a time for me that far surpassed anything I had thought or dreamed of.  The only way I can think of to totally and accurately describe this weekend is as follows:

Imagine someone gave you a box of chocolates. You open it up expecting gourmet truffles and instead find each space is full of diamonds! That is what I got this weekend ... diamonds instead of chocolate.

I learned so much over the last 2 1/2 years working on this. I learned what a fantastic and loving friend Yossi had in Yonatan. I learned what a phenomenal young man he has grown into, someone who is so much wiser than his years. I have deep admiration and respect for him. And for his parents for way they parented him.  I learned to let go when it is important to let go, and that Hashem hears our prayers and truly does count our tears. Hashem also holds our hands and guides us along the way, never leaving our side, not even for one second.

In so many ways, this campaign was like a very long pregnancy. There were many ups and downs, issues and problems, and then solutions. The end result is a baby that makes all the suffering easily forgotten.

The last few weeks were truly insane in my house. I spent hours and hours working on this, from the time I woke up until I went to bed. I truly had a vision of how the day should be and while I had so much help, a bulk of it did fall on me because I was micromanaging and being a perfectionist.  I spent the last night working until about 5:30am, and set my clock for 7am.  Being a total procrastinator, I waited until that evening to finish my speech. At 5:30, I gave up and said it'll have to do.

It was so exciting once my friends started to arrive, making the day seem more real. I arrived at Keneseth Beth Israel (KBI) and immediately began to rearrange the room.  I was rushing around and trying to get it set up the way I wanted when I realized it was so close to the time it was due to start and I still hadn't gotten dressed or put on my make up. Thankfully, I finished just as the guests started to arrive. How amazing to walk into the hall and see it filling up with people, and with the Torah spread out on the table waiting for final letters to be completed.

I'm going to have to let the pictures do the talking, since I seem to be at a lack for words.  The only other way I can find to describe the procession is floating ... I imagine this is what the Yidden felt like in the midbar on the anani hakavod ... the Clouds of Glory that lead their way.

Just now seeing the paper. Of course Yossi would make the front page! I continue to be in awe of you and Michael. You are incredible examples of love. I'm sorry I did not get to witness in person but my thoughts were with you all day. Our lives are forever intertwined and I love that. Know that I remember you all with fondness and love! God speed to the Paley family , Cari

So many beautiful things came out of this shabbos. To sum up what someone told me the night before the Hachnasas Sefer Torah ... You can't control what happened to Yossi, but you can control what you do with it.  And I feel like I did .... I took a very dark and depressing episode of my life and turned it into one of the brightest parts of my life. I feel so uplifted from this special weekend / shabbos.  As long as Yidden love the Torah which such a fierceness, there is no outside force that can ever bring us down.

Sending Love Through the Mail

First off, I did NOT write this post because of the secular date. I am writing in response to such a profound experience I had today.

I belong to a very special club that does not like when new members are added. The price to get into this club is way too steep to pay. That said, there still are over a hundred of us ladies sharing and caring for each other in a special What's App group.

Recently, one of the mommy's had a yartzeit coming up. Her child is buried in Eretz Yisroel. She went on a whirl wind trip to spend the day with her ... 24 hours in Israel!  We were privately talking, and I told her my theory that chocolate can help a lot. And since she is in Israel, in the Golan there is a small chocolate factory that puts out exceptional chocolates. I highly encouraged her to get some. Since she didn't have time to get up North, I told her I was pretty sure they had them in the airport and to grab some on her way out.

Time goes by, and life goes on and I am working day and night on my Hachnasas Sefer Torah project.  Ok. I am a total whack job. I've been ordering dresses and shoes and sending back dresses and shoes all because I can't find anything I like, or that fits well, or looks nice on. Today I was walking out the door and I saw a package on the porch. That's weird -- I wasn't expecting anything. I pick it up and see it's addressed to me from a woman in Brooklyn.

As soon as I opened it, I was shocked.  This is what I found in the box.

The note that was included said that she knows that the next few weeks are going to be hard for me, and she wanted to give me the little sugar to make the bitter medicine go down. (My words; paraphrasing what she said.)  I was beyond speechless. I started crying. Another mom understands that sometimes you can send some love through the mail. It's as if she reached through the physical space that divides us and gave me a hug to fortify myself against the emotional ferris wheel I am going to be on. There will be highs and there will be lows. That I know. I also know, that I am never alone.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. (And no, it's not the chocolate itself. It's the thought behind it that means so much.)