Gun EDUCATION not control

Not only is this story tragic, it is totally and completely senseless.
http://www.arkansasonline.com/news/2016/dec/22/police-9-year-old-boy-dies-after-accidentally-shoo/

Take a minute for that to sink in. I don't think that the problem is that these children were able to get to the handgun. The problem is that the parents didn't take the time to teach the kids basic gun safety.  The NRA has a program geared just towards kids, which can be found here:
https://eddieeagle.nra.org/

Like most (all?) gun owners, I do NOT want gun control. I do NOT want to be told where to store my gun and ammo, or how to store it either.  I don't believe we need a list like the "no fly" list to keep people from getting guns.  We have so many laws on our books that our government doesn't even bother to enforce.  Rather than trying to keep penalizing legal gun owners, let's work rather on EDUCATING people.  Ideally, what I would love to see, is a short, basic safety class before a purchase.  Suppose that each person who legally bought a gun HAD to have the basics down pat before they could walk out the store with the gun?  Basics like, do NOT assume the gun is empty until you PROVE it is?  So many tragic stories of people who thought their gun was unloaded (and unchambered) when tragically it wasn't.  Basics like, Never point a gun at a person (or your own head!). Imagine if a person purchasing a gun with kids had to know the four NRA rules by heart before they got their gun?

I really don't think that the answer is more gun control.  I don't think that those who call it "gun sense" get it either.  Gun sense is knowing HOW to handle your gun.  It's knowing HOW to use it well and taking good care of it.  Gun sense is practicing safe ways of passing a gun to another person, or knowing how to clean it without getting yourself killed.  Good gun sense is teaching your children that guns are NOT a neat toy, and that they are a weapon that needs to be treated with proper respect. Children are curious. They explore. My kids all know that if they want to see my gun, they only have to ask.  They are allowed to handle it ONLY when I am around to ensure that it is properly unloaded and they are supervised.  This settles their curiosity and I am confident that they will not want to look at it when I am not around. (So confident in fact, because my youngest has no interest in it at all, due to the fact we did this years ago.)  I also think that all kids should be taken to a shooting range.  A child who knows how to handle a gun will not be curious! They see the power it possesses, and has no desire to "play" with it.

Without any further ado, here are what I consider to be the basic gun rules everyone needs to know:

1- Never, ever, ever point the gun at a person unless you intend to shoot them. Not as a joke, not as playing, not with the chamber open, never, ever, ever!

2- Keep your finger OFF the trigger unless you are planning on a bullet coming out.  If you are posing for a picture, your finger should be OFF the trigger. Again, even if you know it's empty, don't put your finger there unless you are ready to fire the gun for real.

3- Always point it in a safe direction. At the range, this means down range.  In the house, if you are dry firing, see rule #1.

4- Never hand the gun to someone else until you can prove it is safe to. This means, with no bullets in it.  I hand my revolver over with the chamber open.  This allows the other person to ascertain for themselves that it is safe to receive it.  Semi-automatics are trickier.  You can take the magazine out, and there can still be a bullet in the chamber.  They should only be handed over to someone else when the slide is locked open to show no bullet in there.

5- (This doesn't apply to me, but it bears being said.)  Never shoot when you are drunk, high, on pain meds, etc. If you don't have a clear head, you shouldn't be holding a gun in your hand.

6- Make sure anyone you show your gun to or take to the range understands all these safety rules, and any others you personally have.

7- If you are carrying concealed, make sure you practice with the gun unloaded drawing.  I recently discovered that when I point my gun towards my right for easier access, the sight snags on the band as it comes up.  If I hadn't had practiced, I wouldn't have realized it.  It should become second nature to you.

8- Always wear protective gear while shooting.  I wear both ear plugs AND head phones, and it still seems loud to me.

The kids rules are easy.

1- STOP

2- DON'T TOUCH!

3- GET AWAY from the gun; get out the room or wherever it is you found it.

4- FIND an adult to safely handle the gun.

I would like to think that if all gun owners would take their gun ownership as a huge responsibility, we wouldn't hear these tragic stories. What makes them even more tragic, is that they don't have to happen with a little education and training.

So happy shooting, and keep it safe!

Listening to the Whispers

Well now.  I am in a totally different frame than I was in the previous post.  Shortly after I wrote it, I got a phone call from the principal of my daughter's school.  Any parent knows, that is not good!  Well, my daughter Sheindy had hurt herself, and someone needed to pick her up.  My husband brought her home.  She was crying and crying.  Too much.  I thought it was a really bad sprain or a hairline fracture.  Off to Ortho On Call.  (I end up giving them business every year it seems.)  End of the story is, it is a very bad sprain.  She got her foot wrapped and crutches, and we come home.  And then it hits me. Every drop of grief was literally wiped out of me.  All I could feel was relief that it wasn't broken.  You know I think into things.  Why? Why did she hurt herself right then?  To me, it seems clear ... Hashem is whispering to me, "Don't complain".  Just wanted to update that I am feeling better.

Walking through Fire

I've been grappling with my grief a lot lately.  I'm trying to understand and work through it.  I do believe that part of this is because I am trying really hard to stop filling the void, since it can't be filled. I've been searching for answers, and I am not sure they are out there.

Grieving is like treading water in the deep end. You're just trying every day to keep your head afloat. But after a while you get tired of treading water. You know though that if you stop, you will sink. In this case, you sink into a deep, dark abyss of pain. A pain so deep and so painful that it can literally destroy you.
If you wanna get out of the water, you have to do what I call, "walk through the fire". You have to go through the grief (I'm not sure exactly what that means, cuz i don't want to go there). I never wanted to walk through the fire, because it's too painful to go there. I'm very good at stuffing the grief down. I bury it inside, and only allow it to surface a few times a year, like the yartzeit or birthday.  The only problem with that is there are triggers which can overwhelm at any moment.  There is no safe place to hide from them, and you never know when they will hit.  One day a song is fine, another day that song triggers the grief, and then yet another day the song is fine again. Grief is such an unexpected (and unwelcome) visitor.

The other downside to burying your grief is that I'm left empty.  The void is painful. It's like how some people can't stand to be a room when no one is talking, and they try to fill the void with talking, ykwim?  I look to fill that emptiness.  Those ways have not been the best.  Y'all know I love retail therapy.  (I've been a shopaholic forever, so this is not something new.)  Shopping can trigger that dopamine effect.  When you get something, you get a huge rush and it makes you happy.  Or at least, it is a temporary high.  It's a very dangerous cycle, because like an addict, you end up needing more and more to achieve the same high as before.

And now I am overwhelmed.  Hoarders is going to show up at my door one of these days, and the hole is still there in my heart.  I realize that I am spirally downward, and decided to confront it head on. I found a therapist that I really like.  However, she told me last week and today, "Why can't you just leave the void there?"  I can't do it.  I don't know HOW to.  She told me that I have to figure that out for myself.  And it SUCKS!  Therapy is stripping away the cover I've thrown on my grief, and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm not 100% sure i want to finish it, but I also want to stop destroying myself. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how let that void settle in me without filling it with SOMETHING, ANYTHING.  I don't know how to be sad and be happy at the same time.  I am so so so so tired of being bereaved.  I am so tired of treading water, and when I try to catch my breath, I start to sink.

And right now I am sinking hard and fast ...

Glasses. We all wear them.

Yeah, I know. I sound crazy when I say we all wear glasses. But we do. These are the glasses we put on based on the experiences we've gone through in our lives.
Like when a bunch of women sit around, and we all start talking about childbirth.  Those who have had children can relate, even if our experiences were different.  Everyone "sees" the same thing, in essence.  But the one woman sitting in the group who never had a child, she is "blind", or wearing really dark black sunglasses. She can't see what the rest are saying, because she's never had the experience.

Sometimes, we put these glasses on ourselves, like the black glasses that don't allow any light through.  We want to bury our head, and pretend everything is all right and it isn't happening.  Or they are the dark sinister glasses that some people wear that make them see everything in a negative light.  They see everything as the-world-is-out-to-get-me type view.  Sadly, these dark glasses hide the truly wonderful things in their lives, and they don't notice what they are missing.

And on the opposite side, there are the people who wear those awesome bright glasses that makes them see everything in a positive light.  They are shiny happy people whose glasses give off big reflections.  Their glasses I believe gives them a lot of clarity, which is why they are almost able to "see through walls".  We can also put on the rose colored ones.  We wear these when we look back at certain events in our life, and we remember them differently than they actually happened. <LOL>

(I'm not saying that I'm this way; I just think it's cool that I caught a picture of myself in my glasses!  Great way to illustrate my point, no?)  There are the mirrored glasses which reflect back.  The person wearing these can only see themselves, and they lose sight of the bigger picture.  I wouldn't exactly say they are selfish.  It's more like they missing out on some great moments by focusing inwardly rather than outwardly.

Me.  I love my sunglasses.  Really. I do. I love wearing them.  I think I look cool, and I think I look glamorous.  But I also don't want people to see my eyes.  Why you wanna know? Because eyes are the windows to a person's soul.  I love looking put together, sharp, when I go out.  I think a smile enhances anything you are wearing.  So I do try to wear a smile all the time, even when I am not smiling on the inside.  But my eyes ... they tell a different story.  I feel that there is a sadness in them that sometimes slips out.  Not all the time.  I don't know. I am just musing here.  I wish I could wear those rose colored glasses that give people the benefit of the doubt.  I have such an active imagination, and it's sooo freakishly easy for me to come up with a whole crazy story why they are doing this or that.  I should instead focus on dan l'chaf zchus, giving them the benefit.  How many times have I messed things up because I left these glasses in the case, instead of putting them on.

I leave this post on a happy note. I like this picture of me with my clear glasses on.  Blowing you kisses and wishing you all to only see sunshine and happiness with bright clear glasses on.

#SpeakFreely again

Y'all may remember that a liberal who accused me of not being tolerant reported me on Facebook (because in her own words, she couldn't tolerate my views), and my account got locked.  (My username was InmemoryofYossi, and they wanted my real name.  NO, I'm not giving my real name, which is why they were able to lock it.)  What really gets me is that liberals don't even see their own hypocrisy.  Like two family members who were fast friends for years and years.  Now the liberal one who voted for Clinton isn't speaking to the one who voted for Trump. Seriously? Is this jr high school here?

That brings me to Twitter. Y'all know that I have a very big mouth and I am not afraid to use it. (Yes, sometimes, ok, a lot of times, the mouth speaks faster than the brain, but I guess that would be a different post.)  So I really needed to be able to get my thoughts out somewhere.  I decided to give Twitter a try.  It was fun, and I tried very hard not to get addicted to it.  (I have an addictive personality, in case you didn't figure that one out yet either.)  I was following a lot of cool conservatives, when sudden Milo, a guy I was following, was BANNED.  I don't have to go into the whole story; that's what Google is for.  I just felt it was so wrong, considering all the facts.  Then slowly, more and more people were getting their accounts suspended.  Simply for being a conservative.  I do understand that Twitter doesn't have to follow the first amendment, but it got to be very frustrating.  (BTW, I do believe that Twitter is holding back Trumps tweets. I no longer get any notifications when he tweets something.  Before the election, I did.)

Enter Gab, stage Right (pun intended).  It's a platform that is similar to Twitter.  There are several differences.  The key one being, NO CENSORSHIP.  Yup. That's correct.  No PC garbage, just say it. It does work both ways.  I have found anti-Semitic posts, but they weren't hate posts saying "Kill all the Jews" (which Facebook allows).  It is a platform where you can speak your mind and no one is going to suspend your account, or ban you.  So if you want to move more to the Right, then I suggest you check out https://gab.ai/home

And if you want to find me, three guesses as to what my username is, and the first two don't count. Yup, you got it.  https://gab.ai/InmemoryofYossi

I know this is a short post. Maybe it's better that way?  Anyhoo. If you come to Gab, please look me up, and I follow back.

#SpeakFreely again, and #AdiosTwitter !!!!

Wind, Rain, Fallen Trees & Veal? A stroll down memory lane & a recipe to share

From the NBC12 Weather blog:

#1 Hurricane Isabel 2003

Producing wind gusts of 73 mph in Richmond, the hurricane blew down thousands of trees across the area, knocking out power to over 2 million households. Its combination of strong winds and heavy rain killed 36 people and caused an estimated $1.85 billion in damage, making it the costliest natural disaster in state history. No storm has had more impacts on the area than this one, which is why Isabel is the worst hurricane in Central Virginia history.

Yes, Hurricane Isabel was one scary storm.  The wind was howling and we could hear trees falling but we couldn't see where they were falling.  Michoel, me, and the kids all slept together in one room cuz the kids were so scared. (OK, I was too; it was terrifying, especially since it was night and you literally had no idea if a tree was about to fall on your head. Add to that that there was no power, you can sorta get the idea.)  We woke up the next morning to find our neighbor lost part of their house.

Yes, that is my van in the first picture.  After a few days I abandoned ship and took off to New York with my kids. Destination, Crown Heights.  My good friend Ora took us in.  You have to realize that I was a coming there with 5 kids and no leaving date planned.  Yet she welcomed us with open arms.  We ended up staying by her until after Rosh Hoshana, when we finally had power back in Richmond.  (We had been without power for a full 11 days!)  For one of the day meals, we ate by my friend Chanie Moskowitz. She made a delish main dish, Veal Knish.  Over the years I have had to adept it, because she used puff pastry, and I no longer eat puff pastry. So without any further ado, I bring you ... 

VEAL KNISH

I'll just remind you once again, I do not use measuring spoons or cups unless I am following another recipe, until I learn it well enough to not use them. So bear with me here.

This past Shabbos I made them, and since it was just the three of us, I only had 1 pound of veal. The recipe does work better with 2 pounds, since the knishes are sooooo yummy.  (You are warned ahead of time; no complaining when you are popping these like candy. They are good both hot and cold!)  I serve them with gravy.

You take your ground veal, and brown in a skillet.  You want to get a really good sear on it.  I add onion powder, pepper, and ground cumin while it is sauteing.

(The only reason the cumin isn't organic is because after all these years I STILL haven't run out of the old one.  Looks like I am almost at the bottom of the jar, and the next one WILL be organic. Also, I usually use spelt matza meal, not regular.  They taste exactly the same, btw.)  Once you get a good sear, and the meat has cooled, add some matza meal to it.

Then you need to add some eggs.  I added 3, cuz it needs to be able to hold together well. 

Once it is all mixed together well, you can start adding them to the egg roll wrappers.  I found that you can get them very crispy by cooking them in the oven on a high temperature with very little oil.  I usually work with 3 or 4 at a time.  You need to work fast and keep the extra wrappers covered, cuz they dry out.  (Not as bad as phyllo dough, but don't walk away and start playing on Twitter and expect that they won't dry out.)  As I said, I spread 3 or 4 out, and you brush the sides with water.  Put a nice little lump of the veal mixture in the middle, near the bottom.

Then fold over the two sides, leaving the center open.  If you put too much filling in the middle, then when you roll them up, they won't seal well.  The brush water on the top half of the knish.  Don't worry about the bottom, it will seal up when you roll them.

Now the fun part, roll them up carefully while not popping a hole in them.  (Just cuz they look better when they are perfect.  You aren't frying them, so you don't have to worry about anything leaking out.)

Then you, Lather, Rinse, Repeat, until you either run out of egg roll wrappers or you run out of veal mixture.  I ran out of veal mixture first.  No big deal, wrap up the egg roll wrappers really well, and toss in the freezer for the next time.  (Or use heavily spiced mashed potatoes to make potato knishes!)  Once you have them all done, put them on a tray lined with parchment paper.  (I am a cheapskate; I reused the paper from my challah.)

Now, if you thought the rolling was fun, wait until you hear the next step! Dump out the water and fill your little bowl with some oil. Not a lot.  I probably put 2 tablespoons in and it was too much.  Now, hold them carefully in your hand and brush all the sides with oil.  Yes, it will get on your fingers, and no, I didn't take a picture because I didn't want to get oil on my phone. It's only two weeks old! 

Bake at 425 for ten minutes.  If you put them on the bottom rack, they will get very dark.  However, since these were going back in the oven before Shabbos, I didn't want them that dark.  I cooked them on the top rack.  After ten minutes, take them out, and turn each one over. 

Cook another 10 minutes, and then remove from the oven.

Serve hot with instant gravy (unless you know how to make gravy from scratch w/o a roast, then please LET ME KNOW!)

Again, no whining to me when you are popping these little babies like candy.  If you want to use puff pastry, then simply cut each sheet into three sections along the folds.  (You will have 6 sections in total.)  Put the veal mixture on one, and lay a second section on top.  Do that 2 more times, so you will have 3 veal knish logs.  Brush the top with an egg mixture, and bake at 425 for 15-20 minutes until the puff pastry gets golden brown.  It is a lot more fattening, and not as easy to eat cold.  Maybe that isn't such a bad thing, seeing as I just downed five of them in one sitting.  YIKES!  (I was hungry, stop laughing!)  Anyhoo, let me know if you make them and you like them.  In my house though, we call them Veal'nish.  Could someone pass me the gravy?

Looking for Life's Blessings

A few months ago, I read a very powerful story.  It was about a guy who had medical issues involving his eyes. Basically, he was going to lose his vision.  Long story short, he ends up a shul by himself.  He goes to the aron hakodesh, and cries out to Hashem for hours.  He thanks Hashem for all the brachos in his life, especially those involving his eyes.  When he returned to the doctor, it turned out they had made a mistake, and he wasn't going to lose his vision.  The lesson was a powerful one.

Another lesson was one of those inspiration videos that get sent around and around and around and around.  (Please do NOT send those to me; I get tired of getting them so many times.)  This one was about a professor who gave his class a test. He handed them a blank piece of paper with a dot in the middle. Their assignment was to describe what they see.  They spent a long time describing the dot, where it was on the page, etc.  The profession then told them, life is like the blank paper.  The blank part is all the good in our life, but when you focus on the bad, it takes over everything else.

I sometimes remember to do this little trick when I leave my house. As I kiss the mezuzah, I try to think of one thing I am thankful for that I haven't mentioned before.  I've been a little lax lately, so it's time to start that up again. So with that in mind, I would like to take a few minutes to list some of the good things in my life.  They are not in any particular order.

If you've read my blog regularly you will understand that I am a reader.  A compulsive reader.  I'm one of those people who sit at the table and will read the nutritional information on the box if there is nothing else left to read.  I am truly blown away by the beauty that surrounds us, and you can see it everywhere.  Gorgeous trees, or stunning flowers.  I will admit too that when I see a beautiful woman, or a darling little child, I do appreciate that beauty as well.  I have had a lot of issues with my eyes, and it is very hard to focus on words when I read, and I do get some eye strain. So I am incredibly thankful to Hashem for my vision. Even as I struggle with reading, I am still thankful. I love seeing my little grandchildren. I love all the beautiful things Hashem has put into my life.

Another bracha that I feel Hashem has showered down on me is the ability to see His hand in my day to day life.  Not always do we see it.  Most of the time it is hidden. There are times though that to me is so obvious that I can't understand how others DON'T see it.  A few weeks ago I was at a local consignment shop.  I took my time, cuz I had a lot of it waiting to go pick my daughter up at school.  I looked at everything.  I mean, EVERYTHING.  I found one pair of earrings that had 14K hooks, but I didn't think they were worth the money.  The next morning, one of my treasure hunter friends (my mentor actually) posted a picture of 18K gold earrings she picked up.  From the tag, I knew they were the store I was in the day before.  Not only that, they were three weeks old, and marked down!  They had been in that store for 3 whole weeks!!! AND ... I had never, ever, ever seen them before.  Sometimes when my friend shows me things, I know that I passed them up.  In this case, although I had been to that store three times, I never noticed them.  And it can only be for one reason, and one reason along. Those earrings were not meant to be mine, they were my friend's earrings.  Hashem had them sit there until it was time for her to find them.  There is nothing in the world that I or anyone else could have done to get those earrings, as they belonged to her.  The yad Hashem (hand of Hashem) was soooo unbelievably clear to me.  It happens to me so many times in my treasure hunting, where I see stories like this.  Hashem deliberately closed my eyes and opened her's.

I really didn't want to start listing people in my life, because then I run the risk of missing someone. But, there is a group of people that I am SOOOOO thankful to have in my life.  I have the a group of friends from high school who I am still in touch with.  I know that I mentioned this on the last post, but it bears repeating.  In my bereavement group, there are women who lost friends.  People whose friends would cross to the other side of the road because you know ... a kid dying from cancer is contagious and they can't get near you.  I have friends who have been told very insensitive things from their "friends", maybe because they lack empathy, I don't know. All I know is that my friends have been with me through thick and thin.  And it's not just me.  It's all of collectively that are so totally connected to one another.  My friends came down here Yossi died. They came for the first yartzeit. They came for a whole shabbos on the 10th yartzeit.  One named her child after him.  They call me on the yartzeit, or they just let me cry to them.  They celebrate when I have a simcha, and understand that it is very bittersweet for me.  These are a group of friends who never experienced the loss of a child, and yet they have the care and compassion of someone who did (lo alainu a million times over).  We've been friends since high school. And yes, we had our good times and a few bad times (hey, we are all human!).  But I think that at this point in our lives, we are bonded together forever in a friendship of love.  It's such a bracha to have such a strong friendship to fall back onto.

(This picture is 3 years old, from Shauly's wedding.)

This may sound stupid, but I am so thankful for the plethora of Jewish novels available now.  Years ago I decided to stop reading books that are not on a religious Jewish theme.  I remember years and years ago how few and far between such novels were.  I would anxiously await the books, and literally gobble them up as fast as they could be published, which was every few months. Now, every few weeks there are novels being published.  OK, so the editing still needs a little work, but the amount of typos I find is a lot less than I used to find.  Having so many books and Jewish magazines is such a huge bonus to a compulsive reader.

Another thing that I am immensely thankful for is Jewish music.  Yeah, I gave up listening to non-Jewish music a while ago. I do splurge when a new CD comes out.  For years after Yossi died I wasn't able to listen to music.  Now, it's very rare to find it quiet in my house.  Often, the speakers are blasting (and yes, I mean blasting; I like the music LOUD) out music.  There is such a huge variety to choose from.  I find that fast music also lifts me up when I am feeling down, which is yet another reason to be thankful.

I am thankful for the internet.  Yeah, I know ... It can be very dangerous, leading to things that are not appropriate for a bas Yisroel.  BUT, through the magic of technology, I have connected to so many people I never would have.  I made friends world wide.  I have learned a lot about many different topics.  (I love learning and exploring new ideas and/or concepts.)  I have drunk thirstily from the vast CHABAD.ORG library (as you know cuz I often talk about what I hear or watch there).  You can a answer to virtually any question here too.  And again, I have connected to many other women who have walked in the same path I have, giving support and encouragement in times of need.

My recommendation to you ... take a minute, and come up with something in your life you don't usually say thank you to Hashem for, and thank Him for it.

😘 I hope that this was a more happy and uplifting post than the last one.

A Band-aid on a Broken Heart

(My apologies for not making this post happy like I promised in my last one. I can't write what I don't feel.)

19 years ago, leukemia declared war on my son, and in essence, on my whole family.  At times, the battle was quite fierce, with one side winning at one time, or the other coming out ahead at others.  There were injuries, and sides were left maimed.  The leukemia seemed like it was overcome with a transplant, and in 2000, a little after three years, the battle was declared over.  Yossi was considered cured.  (A cancer patient is cured after 5 years of no relapse; a bone marrow transplant patient is cured after 2.)  Like seemed so good.  At the Chai Lifeline retreat that spring, we felt almost like we didn't belong.  Summer at Camp Simcha was a highlight for Yossi.  We thought we had put the war behind us.  Little did we know that the enemy was plotting an even more ferocious battle than before.  When it struck, it struck with such a vengeance, wreaking  path of total destruction.  Our side had to fight back bigger and harder, but ultimately, our side lost.

The battle has left horrible memories in its wake.  They say that families of cancer patients suffer from PTSD, just like the soldiers who fight with guns on a battlefield.

At the time of diagnoses, it became impossible to keep in touch with people.  I started to blog his experience even before there was a word "to blog".  Geocities has long since disappeared, but my father was kind enough to save the whole blog.  He bought the domain site so it would be easy for me to give it out to people.

You can read his whole story here:  In Memory Of Yossi

The grieving process of losing a child is hard.  It's a very long, long journey through a dark and scary terrain.  For me, I didn't journey alone.  I had many, many guides.  I had good friends who were there with me the whole time, and who continue to be with me today.  I have my close group of friends who Thank G-d many times over never experienced a loss like this.  There aren't words to describe what their friendship means to me.  None of them have ever told me to get over it, or to move on, or to stop whatever.  They cried with me and held my hand and pulled me up from the depths of despair.  Then I have my sisters in pain who carry me along as well.  Women who tragically have walked through this same treacherous path full of obstacles and setbacks.   Brave women who opened their hearts and held me tight when I felt I couldn't go on.  

War leaves scars.  A battle like I went through does not leave physical scars, but emotional scars.  These scars I carry are big and ugly and extremely painful.  The battle also left very deep wounds.  In order for these wounds to not always be visible, I learned to bury them deep inside.  When you touch a deep wound, it causes excruciating pain.  Lately, for some reason, these wounds have been brought up to the top and ripped open.  And while I thought I was strong enough to withstand it, I learned that I am not.  Innocent comments can throw me back into the battle.  (PTSD)  I can see things and remember things that no human being should have to remember.  (Read his blog if you want to know what I am talking about, especially the end of his days and the journey through grief.)  One thing I learned is that the pain of losing a child NEVER goes away.  Sometimes it is pushed down, but when it is brought up, it is just as strong as the first days when it happened.  As a wise friend once told me, "The bad days become few and far between, but when they hit, they hit just as hard."  She is so right!

Today I had a flashback that brought up horrid feelings that totally overwhelmed me.  I've been yearning for Yossi so hard for a while now.  I've been joking around with my other bereaved friends that I am trying to find a way to get "kicked out" of the bereavement crowd (by making him alive again).  [No, I am not insane, although, yes, I am insane.]

I went to the cemetery on a very overcast and dreary day.  A perfect day to match my horrid mood.  As I turned down the street to the cemetery, I was struck by how incredibly beautiful the road is.  The most gorgeous canopy of trees in the bright, vibrant fall colors seem to create almost a chuppah like experience.  AND IT SEEMS SOOOO WRONG!!!!!!!!!

I would expect yucky black dead trees that match my mood.  Even though the grass was wet from rain, I still sat at his foot stone, and cried.  

My heart felt like it was literally shattered.  I called my dear, dear friend Susan*, and cried inconsolably with heart wrenching sobs.  She told me to take a breath because I was crying so hard that she could not understand what I was saying.  I was saying one thing ... I WANT MY SON BACK.

At one point in the conversation, she asked me if I was following Dina Hurwitz's blog.  (Dina's husband suffers from ALS and she writes about her exprience.)  I admitted I had stopped.  She read today's post.  http://thecaffeinatedthinker.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-war-paints.html  Susan asked me if Dina had written that post just for me.  Yes, I think Dina did.

After I hung up with Susan, I laid down on the grass next to Yossi for along time.  The cemetery is so peaceful.  It is so ironic, because literally across the street (on either side of those gorgeous trees) are projects where there are gangs and probably drug dealers and other sordid people.  The cemetery is located in one of the worst parts of Richmond.  The calm I felt there was so soothing to my aching soul.  I laid there crying for a long, long time.  Yes, I took a picture. No, I don't have one of me, cuz my face was all red and splotchy from crying.  

What is the point of today's post?  Just know that bereaved moms have very very fragile hearts.  It takes very little to break them.  Please be very gentle with us.  Hopefully my NEXT post will be a happier one.

*Susan met me through Yossi's blog. We became friends for many reasons, and in 2011, we finally after 10 years met up in person.  Hashem sends us our cure before He sends the illness, because Susan happened to tell me after the last recent breakdown that I can always call her. 

Crazy upside down world keeps getting crazier

I've held my tongue on this for long enough that now I am going to burst.  The world has gone so crazy, there is no other way to put it.  It's all topsy-turvy, with right being wrong and wrong being right.
A few weeks ago, an armed man tried to rob a Pizza Hut. Unbeknownst to him, one of the employees was not a sitting duck. He was armed, and he used his weapon to defend him and the other patrons.  However, this worthless piece of garbage's parents see it otherwise.  They are angry that this employee didn't just let their son rob him and possible kill HIM.  They want to know why he was armed, and why he didn't just wait for cops to get there.  They are also upset that he took a head shot rather than a center body mass shot.  Hey people!  Did it not occur to you that cops are not supposed to protect the public?  Yeah, that is true.  Their job is to investigate crimes, and bring people to justice.  The Supreme Court of the United States ruled that way.  WASHINGTON, June 27 - The Supreme Court ruled on Monday that the police did not have a constitutional duty to protect a person from harm, even a woman who had obtained a court-issued protective order against a violent husband making an arrest mandatory for a violation.  Yeah, I know. Totally shocking, right?  The Constitution DOES give us each the right to protect ourselves, by giving us the right to bear arms.  So to these parents who are upset that a Pizza Hut employee put a bullet through their son's head I say to them, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER PARENTS!  You should have taught your son right from wrong, rather than bemoaning the fact he got what was coming to him ... a bullet in his head. Read the whole story here.
Next up, we have the country full of cry babies.  Yes, I know a lot has already been said and written about it, but I have a different prospective on the whole thing.  Last Thursday I was shocked, absolutely HORRIFIED actually, to read that some rabbis actually sat shiva for Hillary not winning the election.  SITTING SHIVA???  Come on people!  Sitting shiva is for an actual death.  Wanna know some real things to cry over?  How about a mom finding her son Pesach morning stone cold, and trying her hardest to give him CPR while knowing it was too late?  How about the mom whose son went to play basketball and dropped dead on the court?  She never even got to say good bye to him either.  I know moms whose children were sick, and we watched our children suffer through horrible things. We were forced to make decisions no parent should ever have to face.  I myself had to give the OK to turn off the life supporting medication, and then hold my son as his heart monitor slowly started to flat line.  AND YOU THINK HILLARY LOSING IS THE SAME THING???  It's an insult to me and every bereaved person in this world to even think or act like that.  4 little orphans in Israel last year, who watched Arab monsters murder their parents. A father and brother on their way to a Shabbos Kallah (a celebration the shabbos before the wedding) shot, and a wedding postponed so the family could mourn.  A 12 year old girl stabbed in her own bed as she slept.  THOSE are things you sit shiva for. Those are things you mourn. But a stupid election???  These are the same people who have no problem killing a 9 month fetus (baby) because the mother had decided it was not a good time or whatever.  Not even a tear is shed and yet they can sit shiva for a person they have never even met and who truthfully, doesn't even care that they exist.  This was such a huge slap in my face to read this drivel.  Especially coming from a piece of garbage woman who molested her own sister and is quite proud of what she did.  http://www.dailywire.com/news/10877/lena-dunham-sits-shiva-hillary-clinton-amanda-prestigiacomo
Now lets move onto the monster who crashed a bus full of children, killing five and injuring many more.  There are reports that he turned around to the kids just before the crash and said, Whose ready to die.  Now while no one has confirmed this, you can find the story here: http://nypost.com/2016/11/22/bus-driver-asked-kids-if-they-were-ready-to-die-before-crash/  And then, again, to add insult onto of injury, HIS PARENTS ARE ASKING FOR COMPASSION FOR THEIR SON! No way!  No way!  No way! This is NOT some video game where you accidentally died and you press a button and you can start all over.  Whether or not those words are true, the fact is, there son is responsible for the deaths of 5 children.  Five families that are about to enter into a personal hell that no one who hasn't been there will understand. (If you are not a bereaved parent, then just thank your lucky stars you can't 100% understand what I am saying. You can empathize, but I really don't want anyone else to really understand.)  What kind of compassion does she want? For the world not to think he's a monster?  For us to say, "Oh poor baby! You accidentally killed 5 kids and injured a bunch more."?  Lady, I'm sorry. But the only compassion I can muster is for the families who lost children and have injured children.  I have compassion for the children who went through such a horrific trauma.  But your son?  If it was a total and complete accident, if he wasn't speeding, or doing anything stupid, then yeah, I can feel sorry that he went through this.  But from the initial reports, the only thing I have is loathing that he was the messenger to bring suffering to all these families. And the countless other people who are saddened by what happened.  http://wtvr.com/2016/11/22/fatal-school-bus-crash/
And finally, the straw that broke the camel's back today ... http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Gold-Star-family-booed-on-flight-to-pick-up-10628892.php A military family, whose son paid the ultimate price for our freedom was on their way to the purple heart ceremony on the East Coast. Their plane left late, and they had a connection in Phoenix. The pilot asked everyone to remain seated so that the family could deplane first and get to their second plane.  AND .. this is so painful to type ... people boo'd. They complained that they paid money to sit in first class and they should have been allowed to deplane first! I just can't go there.  I can't figure out how any one can complain! What? Did they wish THEY had a dead kid so they could deplane first?  Where is the compassion in our country? Even if you don't agree with the military, you still show respect for a family going to their child's last ceremony.  This reminds of back in 2012, when Obamacare was coming out ... I read a comment about a woman who was a two time cancer survivor.  She had to give up her doctors, and she was very upset. Yet, get this ... you better sit down for this ... someone commented that she was a winner. Yup, this dude had paid into his insurance for years and years, and he got nothing from it. This woman however, had over a million dollars worth of payouts for treatments, so she was a real winner.  People spoke to this guy over and over again, myself included. Winners are the ones who DON'T cash in on their health insurance policies not the ones who do!  But this moron could not get it through his head.  He was so jealous that she didn't waste money all those years paying premiums.

Yes. The world is so upside down right now, it is almost impossible to see what is right anymore.  Liberals running around screaming about Love Trumps Hate while beating Conservatives with their signs ... My daughter scared to wear her Trump shirt for fear of getting hurt ... Liberal tolerance, liberal lies, my getting called a Nazi for supporting Trump ... THE WORLD HAS GONE TOTALLY CRAZY and the only thing I can hope is that this means are sooo close to Moshiach ... because I feel like I am slowly losing my mind from all this craziness ... there seriously isn't enough duct tape to hold my head together from all this hypocrisy.

B"N, I will try to write about something happy next time.

bittersweet milestones, the Highs and Lows of life

Last week I was listening to a shiur from my favorite site, let's all say it together now, Chabad dot org ... Sara Esther Crispe gave one on Anxiety Relief (found right here ).  She mentioned something that makes a lot of sense.  Most people (myself included) just want to live a peaceful life with no stress.  She mentioned that there is a time when that will happen.  In medical terminology, that is called flat lining. Otherwise, life is full of valleys and peaks, highs and lows. Another example is a woman in labor.  She said that when those peaks are small then honey, you are going to be having that baby any time soon ... those peaks have to get super high in order to be near to giving birth.  A totally new outlook on those good times and especially those not so seemingly good times we all go through.  OK, so that was last Sunday I heard the class.  I was heading towards a huge peak in my life, a big milestone ... My first grandchild's upsherin, Joey's haircut.  (For those who don't know, we don't cut a Jewish boy's hair until his third birthday.)  I've been really excited and happy about this!  What a fun reason to go shopping.  (Yeah, like I have ever needed a reason, but I digress here.)  I got a cute top, and fun shoes ... I was scheduled to get my shaitel (wig) done.  Everything was shaping up nicely until BAM! I hit a brick wall.  Like, my whole world came crashing down.  I have no idea why. Honestly, I can't even begin to describe why I crashed so hard. Suffice it to say, I was plunged so deep into the abyss of mourning that (THANK G-D!) rarely see these days.  I mean, the pain that fills your chest with a huge heaviness, a pain that feels like if you don't push it off it will totally consume you.  It is a pain that total overwhelms you. I crashed on Thursday, and I wasn't even sure where to turn.  The pain just washed over me.  I climbed into bed and just cried.  It was a longing that I just wanted to get off this bereavement train.  I've done it for long enough. I know it's totally not rational, and I know that there are very few who will understand this next thought, but seriously, I wanted to go down to the cemetery and dig Yossi up. Yup.  I was planning on just making him be alive again, no more bereaved mom business, I'm done. How? I don't know, but that was the plan. Which is why I knew there was no way I could go down to the cemetery, because I knew full well that that could not happen.  So what else could I do?  I turned to my cyber friends.  I cried on their shoulders. (Thank G-d also for What's App, and for my bereaved friends.)  Through their strength and caring and hand holding, they got me through.  (Yes, I stayed in bed until Michoel came home ... I feel so bad for him. Must be awful to come home to a crying wife, one who won't stop crying all night.)  Even more though than the words they spoke to me that day and night, were the words I got the next day. Every single one of them wrote to me the next day to see how I was doing.  The weight just seemed to roll off me that night, and by the next day I was fine again. But these wonderful friends did not wait for me to let them know, they all wrote to me inquiring about my well being.  Literally, within an hour of each other!  One of my seminary classmates lost her husband the week before. She wrote a beautiful letter to the entire community thanking everyone for their support.  One line that struck me was that she said, Hashem prepared the cure before the sickness, surrounding her with family and friends both near and far to help her.  That is exactly what happened in my case. Hashem has blessed me with loving friends (some of whom I have never even met in person!) to help me in a time when I was so low.  It still goes even further ... these friends rejoiced with me (via What's App) in the celebration today.  I was able to see a small glimpse of rays of sunshine in a dark journey.  I am blowing kisses to you guys; and you know who you are.  (Especially since I am sending you links to this post!)
So now onto the good stuff!
This is Joey this morning, just before he got ready to go to his haircut --

Ushi's dad taking the first snip--

Michoel was honored with the second snip --

I got the third snip --

I didn't record any of the other people cutting, but at that point, I called Shoshana on Duo.  Shauly had Sruli on the his phone, and both kids were able to participate through the wonders of modern technology. Here is a picture of Sruli with Joey --

and here is my handsome little grandson enjoying looking like a gorgeous little boy --

Sort of a before and after shot in one here:

Rikki and I were playing together making funny faces and smiley faces into my phone--

and some selfies --

Overall, it was a very happy day, and yes, I do thank Hashem for not only letting me see this great milestone, but for putting people in my life who share them with me.
As the saying goes -- NAR SIMCHOS! We should only share happiness together.

My Thoughts on the Election

Seeing as we are almost at the most pivotal time in American History, I would like to take a minute and weigh on it.

Donald Trump. I think people either love him or hate him.  My husband and I have been strong supporters of his for a long time. He spoke about running once before, and we were really hoping he would. (We are thrilled that he is now!  There are SOOO many things that we love about him. His immigration policies, his SCHOOL CHOICE!, getting rid of common core garbage, protecting the second amendment, his views on Israel, ... I could go on, but that is not the point of this blog post today)  Hillary Clinton. I think she is also a person you either love or hate.  I hate her.  For many, many, many reasons.  When she kissed Arafat's wife, that did it for me.

In November 1999, while on a purported State visit to the Middle East, she publicly appeared with Yasser Arafat’s wife Suha. Mrs. Arafat made a slanderous allegation:

“Our [Palestinian] people have been submitted to the daily and intensive use of poisonous gas by the Israeli forces, which has led to an increase in cancer cases among women and children.” Suha also accused Israel of contaminating much of the water sources used by Palestinians with “chemical materials” and poisoning Palestinian women and children with toxic gases.”

Mrs. Clinton sat by silently listening to a real-time translation, and the terrorist’s wife hug and a kiss when she finished speaking. 

(Taken from http://lidblog.com/hillary-clintons-latest-lie-shes-a-friend-of-israel/# )
I knew then that she was NOT a friend of Israel and certainly not a friend of Jews.  Fast forward to 2014, and the whole horrible #Benghazi attack. At the funeral of the four slain Americans, Hillary lied over those coffins, saying it was a video that sparked the violence.  View the State Dept's own video here at 13:30 where she says, "We have seen rage and violence directed at American embassies over an awful internet video that we had NOTHING to do with."

As a bereaved mom, this one really hurts.  I can't even imagine the pain that she added onto their suffering. These families lost children, fathers, brothers, and she stood over their graves and LIED!  I don't understand how a human being can do such an awful thing.  And she said it again https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3RfxNJBArU One of her many, many, many lies.

So let's get down to business.  I have two theories regarding the election.  First is the one I hope actually happens.  We have seen the media going nuts doing everything in their power to paint Donald Trump as the Devil himself. I speak to people who mimic back to me what they hear on Main Stream Media ... He's racist, he hates Jews, Blacks, and Gays, yada yada yada. The MSM is showing poll after poll after poll that says Hillary is going to knock his socks off.  The only thing they AREN'T shouting out is that their polls are totally skewed.  You can't ask more Democrats who they are voting for and think you have an honest sampling of people. It's like me asking 4 of my friends who they are voting for and then proclaim, 4 out of 4 people prefer Trump.  It's just shoddy journalism.  Remember the famous Brexit?  Where up until even 11pm, the "polls" were showing that 75% of Britain wanted to stay.  And then BAM! Whoops! No one saw that coming. The polls all said they were staying. What happened?  Same thing here.  On Nov 9th, there are going to be a ton of people in this country shaking their heads and saying, WHAT HAPPENED???  Well, basically it will be the sheeple who rely on MSM for their news.  (I have more theories but if you want to hear them, you'll have to ask me privately.)

The second theory is much darker.  Listen to this excerpt from the Talmud, Sotah 49b

With the advent of the footsteps of Mashiach, insolence will increase and prices will soar; the vine will yield its fruit, yet wine will be dear; the government will turn to heresy and no one will rebuke them; the meeting place of scholars will be used for immorality; Galilee will be destroyed, Gavlan will be desolate, and those who dwell on the borders will wander about begging from town to town without being pitied; the wisdom of the scholars will degenerate, those who fear sin will be despised, and the truth will be lacking; youths will put old men to shame, elders will rise in deference to the young, a son will revile his father, a daughter will rise up against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, and a man's enemies will be the members of his household; the face of the generation will be like the face of a dog; a son will not feel ashamed before his father.

So upon whom can we rely? -- Upon our Father Who is in heaven.

Sotah 9:15

(That quote came from the book, From Exile to Redemption Vol 1 based on teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. http://sichos-in-english.org/books/from-exile-to-redemption-1/08.htm
I want you to look at this section: "the government will turn to heresy and no one will rebuke them" Uh, does that remind you of anyone?  Hint hint ... Email scandal, private home server, Clinton Foundation & Pay for Play schemes, Haiti ... enough hints yet?  If that machashafa manages to steal the election through fraud, then we will see the prophecy being fulfilled.  (It's the only way I believe she can win.  Look at the amount of people who go to Trump's rallies, and look how many go to hers.  Even Pence can fill a hall while Kaine can get barely get 20 people.)  And while it is very exciting that it would mean Moshiach is imminent (which he is!), it is still very scary to think that this woman can get away with anything, and is like teflon, nothing sticks to her at all.  If she is somehow elected, then I fear what will happen to the country.  I've read that America will have to fall before Moshiach comes and I really hope that isn't true.

Which do I think WILL happen?  I really think Trump is going to win.  I also think that there will be some other stuff going on as well .... This is going to be a historic day for many reasons.  I just hope everyone is prepared for it.  In this case, a search engine IS your friend. Look into cyber attack and martial law.  And on that super happy note ...

Have a great Shabbos!  Daven for President Trump!

I'M DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. My. Gosh! I can't believe I did this.

A few years ago, Shauly tossed out to me that he thinks it would be very meaningful for us to get a sefer Torah l'iluey nishmas Yossi a'h.  I hemmed and hawed.  I always wanted one, but it is just sooo much money.  A friend of mine did one a few years ago.  She told me, "Leah, just do it. The money will come.  You will see.  You will commit to it, and the money will come."  I can commit to smaller amounts, and know that Hashem will send the money.  I've done it before.  Just pledge money to charity, and yes, something always happens to fulfill the pledge.  But this is different.  A Sefer Torah costs as much as Jewish wedding, if not more.  So the idea was in the back of my mind, sort of like, when I win the Lotto type thing.  (I guess you actually have to buy tickets to win, but that is another story, right?)

A few weeks ago, I went to a bar mitzvah.  Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I DON'T DO BAR MITZVAHS.  I decided years ago it was just too painful.  Why put myself through this torture?  It was hard enough to make my own son's bar mitzvahs.  That is enough.  However, this time, it was my mechutan's (daughter-in-law's mother -- no English word for that) son's bar mitzvah.  I was in NY anyway for my brother's son's upsherin (first hair cut at the age of 3).  So I figured, why not go?  Friday night as we were walking to the meal, I said to myself, "What am I doing here? Why did I come???"  I was thinking, maybe I would skip the actual bar mitzvah part of the weekend ... maybe no one would notice.  The next morning, I put on my big girl pants, and went to the shul.  During part of the service, her son was handed the sefer Torah to hold.  Seeing him stand there holding the sefer Torah with so much love and pride in his face, well ... right then and there, I decided that it is totally time to do it.  While Yossi himself would never do that, I could at least have a sefer Torah that family members could hold with love and pride.

Now it just so happens that Yossi's childhood friend Adam is in town.  Adam also happens to be a sofer, a scribe who writes religious items, like tefillin or mezuzah or a sefer Torah.  I spoke to him briefly about it two years ago, but I was just not ready to make that commitment right then.  Then I bumped into him before one of the yom tovim. We spoke briefly about the sefer Torah, but just left it at, I wanna do it someday.  Last night, Simchas Torah, I saw him in shul.  He lives in Israel, so for him, it wasn't yom tov anymore. For me, well, I know you are allowed to talk about a mitzva on Shabbos, so I figured it was OK to talk about this.  He was so kind to spend a long time speaking with me.  A sefer Torah is a huge project. He needs at least 18 months to complete. It is written on parchment paper with a quill and ink.  My favorite Judaica site has misc. information on a Torah scroll here: Torah Scroll Facts  Being that it was Simchas Torah, and people all around were dancing with Torahs, I just felt that the time is right.  I said, "Let's do it. Let's make this happen."

The number he quoted is terrifying to me.  More than double what I thought the entire project was going to cost.  That doesn't include other costs, such as the mantel (cover), yad (silver reading stick), keser Torah (silver crown), but even with all that ... it looks like ... IT'S A GO!

YOSSI IS IY'H GETTING A SEFER TORAH!!!  

I just hope Moshiach comes before so he can rejoice with his own sefer Torah. And if chas v'shalom he doesn't, well, keep the weekend of March 22, 2019 open, cuz that will be his 18th yartzeit.  That is my projected date for the project to be completed.  Being that this is a huge project with a 2 1/2 year time line, I do plan to update here with progress and feelings.  So stay tuned.

 Yossi's 7th birthday party

Look who we bumped to in Silver Springs!

Yossi (a'h) had shingles; hence the red on his face.