Walking through Fire

I've been grappling with my grief a lot lately.  I'm trying to understand and work through it.  I do believe that part of this is because I am trying really hard to stop filling the void, since it can't be filled. I've been searching for answers, and I am not sure they are out there.

Grieving is like treading water in the deep end. You're just trying every day to keep your head afloat. But after a while you get tired of treading water. You know though that if you stop, you will sink. In this case, you sink into a deep, dark abyss of pain. A pain so deep and so painful that it can literally destroy you.
If you wanna get out of the water, you have to do what I call, "walk through the fire". You have to go through the grief (I'm not sure exactly what that means, cuz i don't want to go there). I never wanted to walk through the fire, because it's too painful to go there. I'm very good at stuffing the grief down. I bury it inside, and only allow it to surface a few times a year, like the yartzeit or birthday.  The only problem with that is there are triggers which can overwhelm at any moment.  There is no safe place to hide from them, and you never know when they will hit.  One day a song is fine, another day that song triggers the grief, and then yet another day the song is fine again. Grief is such an unexpected (and unwelcome) visitor.

The other downside to burying your grief is that I'm left empty.  The void is painful. It's like how some people can't stand to be a room when no one is talking, and they try to fill the void with talking, ykwim?  I look to fill that emptiness.  Those ways have not been the best.  Y'all know I love retail therapy.  (I've been a shopaholic forever, so this is not something new.)  Shopping can trigger that dopamine effect.  When you get something, you get a huge rush and it makes you happy.  Or at least, it is a temporary high.  It's a very dangerous cycle, because like an addict, you end up needing more and more to achieve the same high as before.

And now I am overwhelmed.  Hoarders is going to show up at my door one of these days, and the hole is still there in my heart.  I realize that I am spirally downward, and decided to confront it head on. I found a therapist that I really like.  However, she told me last week and today, "Why can't you just leave the void there?"  I can't do it.  I don't know HOW to.  She told me that I have to figure that out for myself.  And it SUCKS!  Therapy is stripping away the cover I've thrown on my grief, and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm not 100% sure i want to finish it, but I also want to stop destroying myself. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how let that void settle in me without filling it with SOMETHING, ANYTHING.  I don't know how to be sad and be happy at the same time.  I am so so so so tired of being bereaved.  I am so tired of treading water, and when I try to catch my breath, I start to sink.

And right now I am sinking hard and fast ...