15 years????

How can it be 15 years already?  It's crazy!  I never wanted to be one of those women whose child has been gone for so many years, and now we are getting up there in the numbers. Where is Moshiach already????

I really wanted this yartzeit to be a meaningful one.  I've had them where we all cry and while it is cleansing, it is not what I needed this year.  I decided I wanted to focus on something that would be uplifting.  I choose simcha, happiness.  I researched the idea of what joy is and why it is important to us.  I used www.chabad.org for a lot of my research.  I also have the new book from Rabbi Shloma Majeski called Simcha (thanks Mom!).  I have another book, It's OK to Laugh, but I didn't finish it.  I wrote a speech and worked on gathering inspirational quotes.  I had this whole thing all planned out.  Then today happened.  I got caught up doing something I didn't need to do, and before I knew it, it was noon.  Oops.  I needed white flour and sugar because I wanted to make cake to serve at the program tonight.  I got what I needed, but I didn't have time to make it before I had to pick the girls up from school.  (Guess who got marshmallow on her phone today?  And guess whose phone stopped making and receiving calls today?  It took hours for my phone to reload my contact list.  I guess that means its too long?  I was trying to figure out how to get my phone to work instead of baking.)  When I got home with the girls, I had to make dinner.  Shoshana wanted a dairy meal, so I decided to make lasagna.  Great choice.  Not!  It took forever it seemed to get it together.  Then I was finally moving onto the cake.  I thought marble cake would be the easiest.  I have no idea when the last time I made a regular cake with margarine and white flour and shortening is.  It took a lot longer than I thought.  I finally get the first one in the oven, and then Sheindy informs that we have a tornado alert.  I calm her down and work on a second cake.  Just as I get that into the over, all the cell phones start going berserk! It was an alert that we needed to seek shelter immediately.  Sheindy was very upset, but I didn't think it was an issue.  For some reason, I felt very calm.  I cleaned up the mess I made, cleaned up from dinner, and made sure all the electrical stuff was charging in case we lost power. We did go sit in the hall for a few minutes when I finished cleaning.  I just felt that with it being the yartzeit, nothing was going to stop it from happening.

Around 7pm tonight, we had to figure out if we were still doing the program or not.  I kept going back and forth, have it here, have it there .. what should I do?  Is it safe to go out?  In the end, we decided to follow through the original plan, just start a few minutes later than I had originally planned.  I got there at ten to eight, and worked on setting up. Thanks especially to my friend Debbie C who came early to help me set up.  I put around 15 chairs out.  Then people started to arrive. And arrive. And arrive.  I was so pleasantly surprised to see so many ladies come!  We ran out of chairs, and twice we had to bring in more chairs.  I spoke about why I chose this setting of doing a Hakhel gathering, and doing it farbrengin style.  Here is the speech I read:

BS”D

Yossi's 15^th Yartzeit & Simcha

Rebbe's letter:

A Yartzeit is generally associated with two mixed feelings. On the one hand, as we learn from our sacred sources, the soul of the departed enjoys on the day of its Yartzeit an elevation, passing from one spiritual world into a higher one, closer to its creator. This is, therefore, a day of rejoicing for the soul.

On the other hand, the Yartzeit naturally refreshes in the mind the loss, giving rise to a feeling of sadness. In truth, however, the Yartzeit should not call forth any feeling of sadness, but rather a feeling of earnest reflection, introspection and self-examination. With a view to attuning one’s life on this earth to the life-path of the soul Above, which is constantly on the ascent. This is to say, just as the soul On High is continuously rising, year after year, going "from strength to strength," so must also all those left behind on this earth, who are the associated with the departed soul, steadily go from strength to strength, through advancement in “Torah, worship, and the practice of good deeds.”

-- A message to a Yartzeit gathering, 1952.

When planning this yartzeit, I had a challenge ahead of me … what could I do that would not be depressing, but would honor Yossi's a'h memory. I came up with the idea to focus on the inyan of SIMCHA. Why dafka simcha? Obviously, with the yartzeit falling in Adar, it seemed to be the perfect choice. Especially that this is a leap year with two Adars, and therefore we should be having twice as much simcha. I also feel that Yossi himself was always full of simcha. He was always smiling. The counselors from Camp Simcha told me Yossi used to greet EVERYONE with a smile. He would go over to the kids that were the “hard” kids, the one that people didn't want to be around, and he would smile and say hello to them. Our social worker from Chai Lifeline told me on many occasions that he had a smile that would light up a room. Finally, the year that Yossi was born is tof-shin-mem-ches, which actually spells out sameach, happiness or joy.

With this thought in mind, let's explore the concept of simcha and why we should bring more of it into our lives. Dovid Hamelech states in tehillim “Ivdu es Hashem b'simcha / Serve G-d with joy”. The Baal Shem Tov taught us that “A person must ALWAYS be happy”. Why? Why do we need to be happy all the time? The answer he gave is “All your actions should be for the sake of Heaven”. Everything we do, eating, sleeping, working, even playing, can and should be part of our Divine service. When we do these things with the proper intention, we elevate these mundane activities into holy acts. So we can rejoice in the fact that everything single thing we do, we can actual do it for Hashem. Therefore, happiness may be defined as the knowledge that at all times one is doing what G-d wants at any given moment. The Arizal said that all his greatest spiritual experiences were achieved through simcha shel mitzvah--"joy in the performance of a mitzvah." We can also rejoice in the fact that even though we may mess up, we can always reconnect with Hashem. Teshuvah is such a great gift Hashem has given us; giving us the opportunity to erase and change the mistakes we have made in the past. How much Hashem much love us! That alone should make us jump for joy.

Simcha also works as a mirror. What happens when you are walking down the street and you are greeted with a smile? You smile back. There was actually a study done that showed when someone smiled, the person would smile back. It's a human instinct. Not only is simcha contagious here, but it also mirrors spiritually. The Baal Shem Tov explains, commenting on the verse, "G-d is your shadow." Literally, the verse tells us that just as a shadow protects us from the sun, G-d shields us. The Baal Shem Tov, however, offers an extended interpretation, explaining that just as a shadow mirrors a person’s actions, so to does Hashem “shadow” our actions. There is a midrash in Perkai Avos not to judge your fellow man. Why? Because how you judge others is how Hashem is going to judge you. When we are strict with others, Hashem responds in kind, and is strict with us. The Lubavitcher Rebbe wrote in a letter the following:

"... I believe that in the past I have already told you about the statement in the sacred Zohar (II, p. 184b) that when man below is of a 'radiant countenance' and filled with joy and gladness, he then draws down upon himself the same qualities from Above.”

This is why the adage from the Tzemech Tzedek really resonated with me. He said, “Tracht Gut Vet Zein Gut”. The Tzemech Tzedek was telling one of his chassidim that he needs to think positive, and his son will recover. TGVZG is not all la-la-la lollipops and rainbows. TGVZG means true trust that Hashem will make it good in a revealed way. However, I would like to point out that includes accepting that sometimes the good is not revealed. Everything Hashem does is always good. It just doesn't always appear that way to us. When Yossi was near the end of his life, the doctor approached me. He said that he wasn't going to make it. I believed with all my heart and soul that he was going to recover. I knew we were entering into Adar, a month of miracles and revealed goodness. I gently told the doctor, “You don't understand. We are Jews. We are above nature. My son is going to get better. Twenty years from now, you will be talking about the great miracle that happened.” So yes, I did “tracht gut”. In the very end, when it the decision was being mad about turning off the medication that was keeping him alive, Rabbi Bart asked me, “Why are you hesitating about doing it?”. I explained that I still believed that Hashem was going to make him better, and he couldn't do it if he wasn't alive. I held out until the very end believing. Tracht Gut Vet Zein Gut. I don't see the goodness, the sweetness of this. I miss him like crazy. But I do see goodness that has come out of it. I've seen mitzvos that have been done for him, and I see the huge library in his memory.

I'd like to conclude with the with this final thought. Simcha is a very powerful weapon we have in our service of Hashem. It is so powerful, that the yatzer hora will try and make a person depressed. When a person is depressed, they become apathetic, and they may no longer have energy to serve Hashem properly. Simcha is so powerful, that it is said to be able to break through all barriers. In fact, the connection between joy and Moshiach is highlighted by the fact that the name Moshiach ("anointed one") shares the exact same four Hebrew letters as the word yismach ("let him rejoice").

To conclude with a chassidic saying.
King David writes regarding the future redemption:
"...then they will say among the nations, 'G-d has done great things with [the Jews]' Indeed, G-d has done great things with us; we were happy."
Why has G-d "done great things with us"? Why have we merited redemption?

Because "we were happy."

I have them saved in pinterest if you are interested in seeing them. https://www.pinterest.com/inmemoryofy/inspirational-quotes/ The best part of the night was just sitting around with my friends and talking.  I heard stories about Yossi and it was just so nice to have an occasion when we could talk about him.  I just left tonight on a huge high. It is so crazy to say that.  But really, it was exactly what I needed for me on this yartzeit.

Tomorrow I am working on cleaning up the library, and then going down to Yossi to drop off all the rocks I got him in Israel.  (I labeled where each one came from.  I'm going to put them into plastic bags with the names.)

So if you made it this far, then please keep Yossi in mind when you go about your day.  Smile to someone you may not have, or do something kind for someone else.  Let's get this over with already!  It's so time for the geula once and for all! Yosef Chaim ben Michoel Dovid haLevi.

(ps-- I made it through my whole speech without crying.)
(pps-- 4 tornados touched down in VA yesterday! That's crazy!)

What's In a Name

Friday morning ... I've been suffering from jet lag in such a weird way.  I find that I am sleepy a lot, and that when I do fall asleep, I sleep for weird amounts of time, and then pop awake at bad times.  Like 2am, which is really 9am in Israel ...

That said, my husband asked if I was going to take the kids to school Friday morning.  I said, I hope so.  There was a bris scheduled for the morning, but I highly doubted I would make it there given my situation right now.  So imagine my surprise when I wake up Friday morning at like 5am, and couldn't fall back asleep.  I got the girls up at 6:30 and asked if they wanted to go to the bris.  They were very excited at the chance. Only problem is that I am horrible with time management, and the next thing you know it's 7:10 and I still need to daven AND get dressed.  Oiy vey.  I start to daven and debate about blowing off the bris.  But then I think: "Wait, this is my good friend.  I should go to share in her simcha (celebration)."  So I get myself together and get there just a little late.  Unfortunately, I got there right after the actual bris.  I stood in the back with my friend, whose daughter is the baby's mother.  We are standing there, and I hear the name .. Yehuda Yosef.  I look at Terri, and she is crying. She shakes her head, yes, and says, He's named after Yossi a'h.  WOAH!  I start crying.  I run out to the hallway, and call my husband.  Of course, I am crying so he can't understand what I am saying.  (He told me later, DON'T EVER CALL ME UP CRYING!  I THOUGHT SOMEONE DIED or you had a car accident, chas v'shalom.  I told him they were happy tears, but how was he to know?  All he heard was crying.)  It was very emotional.  I was not the only one crying there.  (Yehuda is after the father's grandfather, who recently passed away.  He was a gentle and kind man and I hope the family gets a lot of comfort from the little namesake like I am getting.)

During the meal, the father of the baby made a very lovely speech.  He spoke about who Yehuda and Yosef were in the bible. Then he spoke about the namesakes.  The thing that I cherish the most is that he said, "Other people named their babies after Yossi, and I felt jealous.  I wanted to express my love for him, and now I can."  (I am paraphrasing.)  What a gift!  What a beautiful beautiful gift he gave me.  As much as he appreciated Yossi's friendship, I know Yossi truly appreciated his.  It goes both ways.  What an incredible gift they gave me just before his 15th yartzeit!

And with that thought in mind .. I decided that this year I would focus on the topic of simcha.  It almost seems like an oxymoron to put yartzeit and simcha together, but that is what I am attempting to do. 

(I did not put any names in this post because I didn't ask permission from the family.)

Home is Where Your Heart Is

Remember the song, I Left My Heart In San Francisco? My heart shall forever be with Yerushalayim. I am back in the U.S. with my family in my house, but my home is in Israel. I know I will be back, hopefully sooner than later.
The plane ride was long and tiring. Yesterday, I took a taxi to the Kosel for my final time this visit. I started crying even I was talking to the driver. I told him over and over how lucky he is to live in the Holy City. I cried at the wall and begged Hashem to rebuild His home. If I'm am crying this much over leaving, how much more so is Hashem's pain? I'll probably never look at the fast days in the same way.
I went to various places in the Old City, and walked back to Shauly's apartment all on my own. I had finally figured out my way around, and now I'm thousands of miles away.
My mom went with me to the airport. When you arrive at the airport, there is a check point. They do racial profiling, which is fine with me. There are several other security check points at various stops in the airport. Btw, you don't have to the off your shoes! I did find a huge Michal Negrin store, which was awesome. I wish I had gone there only. Their selection is large, and their prices are cheaper. All in American dollars and no tax.
The ride was long, two hours longer than going. I sat next to a midwife, so that was interesting. I slept off and on.
JFK was a nightmare. I had plenty of time between flights. Seriously, these are glorified McDonald's workers with more power. They love to toss that around as well. I didn't want to go through the body scanner, but long story short, even though they offer you a choice, they don't really. No one came over to pat made down, so I gave up waiting.
My gate was the last one on the B concourse. There is a shuttle, but I walked it. It was over a mile long, and I was dragging a heavy "carry on". Embarrassed to admit, it took 45 mins cuz I kept having to stop. I had the rolly suitcase, my weekender, a tote bag, pocketbook, and Michal Negrin shopping bag. Why can't I ever travel light????
When I got into the house, I unpacked the presents. I decided to take a short nap. No one woke me when they got here, so I slept for 6 hours in a deep sleep. I woke up for dinner, and now I'm heading back to dream land....

With a Heavy Heart and Many Tears

I'm so excited to see my family left back in America, but I'm so sad to be leaving home. Even though I had never been here, I have always felt that Israel is a part of me as much as I am a part of it. I've toured the holy spots. I got to see the beauty and majesty. I feel like when I leave, a part of my heart will be left behind. I've been davening so hard that Moshiach should come, so that this day won't. But as of right now, I'm still scheduled to leave. ( There is still time up until the plane takes off!)

Do the people here really appreciate what it means to live here? I think many do. They live Eretz Yisroel as much as they love their family. If you have never been here, you can't understand what I'm trying to convey. It's very much like trying to describe color to someone who is blind.

Israel has its share of problems. But just like it is easy to overlook annoying characteristics of that looney aunt or uncle, so too can you do it here.

Kol Yisroel yaish lechem chailek. All of Bnei Yisroel has a piece of Israel as our inheritance. But not only that, Eretz Yisroel has a piece of us as our inheritance as well. This is always our home. It stands and waits for our return.

Iy"h, I hope to be zoche to return very quickly, preferably with the coming of Moshiach Tzidkainu.

I still have less than half a day. One last trip to Geula; one long trip to my favorite spot, the Kosel. Leaving some pictures here, and I'll write more later.

I stepped outside the apartment and was greeted with the most incredible sight ..

Some random pictures from the trip in Israel, my home --

Me and Leah Bowman

Me and Avraham Aveinu

Making fresh rice cakes in the shuk

Roots growing on the outside of the trunk

Btw, this post has been all day in three making. I'm headed to the kosel for a last mincha before I have to leave.

A Siren & Lots of Animals

Well, today I got the full Israel Experience. I guess you can't say you really visited Israel until you heard the siren go off announcing a possible rocket.  Yup.  A little after 10am, I hear the siren.  Shauly is at Yeshiva learning, and I am here with me, myself and I while Zahava is sleeping.  So what did I do?  I woke her up, of course!  She said, "Don't worry about it."  And what do you think I did?  I WORRIED ABOUT IT! Duh!  I sorta promised my husband I would return home in one piece, and I would keep my big, fat mouth shut. So far I've been good on my promise, and I didn't want to mess it up right before I am supposed to go home.  I quickly went on Arutz Sheva and found out that it was merely a test in the whole country to practice for a possible rocket attack.  Whew.  Nothing like hearing a rocket siren to get your blood pumping, now is there!
I got another special Israeli treat today too, except this one was a lot better than the first.  I got a fantastic iced coffee.  I've been guzzling these down.  Today we went down the block to a store called Greens.  They have muffins and bagels and other yummy looking stuff that I can't eat for organic reasons.  However, I have been indulging in the iced coffees.  I don't want to know what is in them, so if you know, please do NOT tell me.  I had a yummy caramel one.  I saw how they make them, so I can attempt to make it at home.  It is sorta a cross between a slurpee and a milk shake.
Our whole group then headed over to the Biblical Zoo.  This is a very, very large zoo that is very unique.  Parts of the zoo tell you where in Tanach the animal is found.  We headed off to the children's petting zoo so Rikki could pet the animals before she took her nap. At first, she wasn't too interested.  Then she made friends with this big ram.  At least, I think it's a ram.  It has a very shaggy coat.

After a short snack we continued on our merry way.  I always joke around that I am a whack job.  I guess that makes my kids whack jobs as well.  They are just as nutty, it not more, than me.

Sruli and Shauly were enjoying the otters.  

Sruli is an awesome uncle. 

There is a section called The Bible Lands, which is really interesting and we'll worth a visit.  The information on each animal includes the pasuk in Tanach where this animal is mentioned.  Overall, the zoo a a whole is very well thought out, but this part is so fun.  It is amazing to see animals that you never knew were mentioned in Tanach.
We spent a good part of the day walking around and seeing the animals.  We were having such a great time.  Late in the afternoon we arrived in the Lori Aviary.

This is a fascinating section.  You walk through a door, and then through double flaps.  There are birds flying around all over the place.  I was busy taking a video of the whole place when I caught up with the kids.

They were all at one end of the room, crowded around a cute red bird.  Apparently, they were trying to convince it to get on one of their hands.  The bird didn't think it was such a good idea, and he let Shauly know by biting him.

That didn't deter Sruli though!  He kept trying and trying and finally he got it on his finger.  Not such a clear picture from my phone, but his face and hand say it all.

Next thing we knew this mean looking woman comes stomping down towards us with a look to kill on her face.  She stood between Sruli and the birds, and we got the hint ... We were no longer welcomed in the exhibit.  Oh well, it was great fun while it lasted.
We went out to eat tonight at the Red Heifer.  It is a phenomenal steak house here in Jerusalem, actually walking distance from Shauly (sorta; it's a long walk).  We all had so much to eat, and it was so filling.  The food tasted incredible and the service was spectacular.

Seriously, if you are looking for a great experience, this is where you want to go.  (We don't say that lightly; we have had two bad experiences eating out.)
Back at Shauly's apartment, and I am so tired.  I have one more suitcase to pack, and truthfully, I really do not want to do it!  I keep hoping and praying Moshiach will come and bring my husband & kids here.  But like all good dreams, this one is too about to end ...

Things That Go Bump

Here's what I want you to do ... Pretend you are in a bottle, and shake it real hard. Like a bottle of salad dressing, trying to mix the ingredients together.
Welcome to a jeep tour! Bump bump bumpity bump!

We left Yerushalayim bright and early. After a minor detail of nearly setting Shauly's apartment on fire. (Who leaves a plastic dishrack on top of a toaster? Shauly doesn't anymore! His it's a melted mess now. If you were ever wondering what melted plastic smells like, take my word, IT STINKS! And it hurts your lungs and eyes with all that smoke.) We headed to the Judean Desert. We arrived at Eretz Beraishit. This is a little reserve. When we arrived, we were greeted by Eliezar, Avraham's servant. He spoke to us about Avraham's history, and then gave us tunics to wear. There were seven camels that each hold two riders. Zahava and Shauly got on one of them, and my mom and step dad got on another.

My mother was hysterically funny.  She started screaming when the camel got up.  We were all laughing so hard. The rest were taken, so Sruli, Shmueli, and I all walked. Two of the camels were riderless, and Shmueli speculated that they were being trained. As we were walking, one of those two turned towards his trainer, and tried to bite him.  He then began to kick him, and started to jump or something.  I have no idea what he was doing, but when he turned my way, I turned around and ran the other way! In hindsight that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.  But gut reaction is to just get out of there.  The trainers are very good and got him under control very quickly.  When we got to the end of that road, it was our turn to ride.  Sruli and I shared a camel.

  

Our camel was a naughty guy.  He kept eating from the side of the road, which made me nervous.  The he decided to try and get ahead of the camel in front of him, even though he was tied behind him.  So yeah, it was a little scary, especially when they turned us around and we were closed to the side of the road that is on a cliff.  Why do Israelis like to live on the edge literally, I have no idea.
We got to meet Avraham, and we were treated to some of his famous hospitality.  I had decided before the trip to be brave and try new things.  I will admit, I've never had a date.  Since there was one there, I did try it.  I didn't not like it, but it is not the first fruit I would reach for on a platter.
We also got to make pita.  Not the pocket pita we are used to.  Even though this was only flour and water, it didn't taste like a matza.  I also tried the olive oil dip they had, but I didn't find that to my liking too much.

When we got back into the jeep, it was time for the fun to begin.  We headed off the main road onto a dirt trail.  Then he asked if we wanted to go up the side of the mountain or around it.  I, of course, picked up the side with Sruli.  We were outnumbered by everyone else.  He did drive fast at times, and he made figure 8s, and went up and down.  My mom of course was totally freaking out, going OH NO.  We were all having such a blast.  The scenery is beyond description.  Pictures do not do it justice.  I hate the desert.  It's one of the reasons I don't like going to Phoenix.  It's brown and bland and gross, IMHO.  However, this is lush and green and also has rocks.

Daniel, our tour guide, told us that in the summer all for the grass is gone.  So I am really happy we were doing this now.  At one point we stopped to see a  large cistern.

 

It was probably similar to the one that Yosef HaTzadik was in when his brothers sold him.  We were able to see how he wouldn't have been able to climb out of it.  (Talk about making the Chumash come to life!) Shauly had moved into the middle of the jeep, so I was in the backetee-back of the jeep with Zahava, Sruli, and Shmueli.

We saw a bedouin caring for the goats. He had two dogs to help him (and chase us).

Now it was time for more fun. We flew around and bumped and rattled and ooohhhed and ahhhhed over the views.

The far left section of houses is Eretz Beraishit!  That is how far we had gone.
We saw the remnants of a castle from the times of the crusades.

Three guesses as to what this is ... It only took me one guess to get it right.

 Yeah, it's a toilet!

We went down a big wadi and then crossed a creek.  We climbed up to a small aqueduct that is being used today.

We saw a military lookout bunker that is not really used any more (thankfully not needed, but does get used from time to time, I think).

We headed back, and Daniel took us on one last ride.  Let me tell  you, this whole day was like riding a roller-coaster without being hooked to the tracks.  It was thrilling and exhilarating and scary all at the same time.  We were amazed at the sheer beauty of Eretz Yisroel.  Everything described in the tanach is exactly how we saw it.  We saw places Dovid Hamelech describes in his psalms.  It is breathtaking to look at the view of the mountains where Moshe Rabainu looked out to Israel.  We rode in spots that Avraham may have walked.  Basically, we saw a living, breathing tanach today.  It was a day we will need forget!