Chai Elul, #HurricanIrma & the Master Puppeteer

Chai Elul has come and gone. Each year is so different. One year, it will trigger me, another year it goes by with nary a beep on the radar (except for a quick acknowledgement of the day).  This year, it was more like the second way. I was a little worried leading up to it, as I hate when it falls out on shabbos.  20 years ago, on Shabbos Chai Elul, my life and world was turned so totally upside down. I commented last night at the dinner table that 20 years ago this time, we were still so innocent, so naive. We lived in a world were we had this illusion that we decided everything in our lives. We picked to live in VA. We picked our house, our cars, our clothes, our friends, our food, everything. I even felt that I picked when I would have kids and the gender I wanted.

*C*O*N*T*R*O*L*
We all feel like we are in control of our lives. We pick what clothes we are going to wear. We pick what car we are going to drive, what to make for dinner, who to marry, where we will live, what profession we want to be ... we control our destiny, and it is all from the sweat of our brows that we have it, right?

That Shabbos, late morning, it came crashing down. I heard the most awful words a parent could ever hear ... "You have one very sick little boy." It was the morning Yossi was diagnosed with cancer. I was thrown into a world where kids get sick, and suffer tremendously, and all I can do is sit back and helplessly watch.  One of the hardest lessons I learned in Yossi's illness was the fact that I am NOT in control of ANYTHING. Hashem gives us this illusion that we are in control.  One thing that had bothered me greatly was that everything happened on Shabbos.  My husband said that maybe it happened on Chai Elul (the 18th day of Elul, a significant day in Chabad) because Chai means Life, and it is showing that Yossi will survive this.  (In some ways, I do feel he did, since he made it through that first transplant, and was granted an extra 2 1/2 years. The doctors didn't expect him to survive to the first transplant even.)

So here I am, thrown into this crazy, crazy world ... the one where the illness is so severe that the treatment itself is a carcinogen!  (I know of other kids who survived their cancer to go on to have other cancers that were caused by the chemo they got.)  One were the nurses wore double gloves and advised me not to bring my little kids because the chemo was so toxic.  All I can do is sit back and watch, cuz there is nothing else for me to do.

Fast forward 20 years ... and Florida is bracing itself for one of the hugest hurricanes to ever hit it. Everyone has advice to give those in Florida (myself included). It's so easy to be an armchair quarterback, now isn't it??? Truthfully, I will give you the best information I was given.  I had asked a mom, a fellow bereaved mom, a question. I wanted to know how much we controlled our destiny, and how much is pre-determined.  Her answer was that EVERYTHING, every single thing was decided by Hashem except for one thing ... whether to do a mitzva or not.  Eat kosher, dress tzanuah, put on tefillin, observe shabbos, that is in our power to decide.  What to wear, nope. What car we drive? Nope. The house we live in, the city we live, the job we do, nope, nope, and nope.  She told me, Basically, just sit back and enjoy the show.

Hashem is the Master Puppeteer, and He is pulling our strings and directing our lives.  Do we have free choice? Absolutely. We can choose whether to open our mouths and spread lashon hora, or keep them shut and not.  We can slip that non-kosher candy into our mouths when no one else is looking or again, not.  Text on Shabbos, or unplug? That is all up to us.  To serve chicken soup or split pea soup, no, not our choice.

From my experience, choosing to live like this is so totally liberating.  The other day, I called one of the local Goodwills that I *LOVE* to get jars from. They have nice stuff and I am usually very happy with my purchases from there. They said they would be working on one later.  When I had a few minutes much later in the day, I called. Yes, they had put a jar out.  I quickly drove down to the store, and when I walked in, I saw another guy who also buys jars purchasing the jar. Was I upset? No. Was I disappointed, yeah. But you see ... the Master Puppeteer did not have my name on that jar. THAT is why I wasn't upset, because I wasn't supposed to get it. Very clearly, it had the other guy's name on it. (And, I once bought a jar he wanted, so it was sorta even, in a weird way.) I totally get that He is pulling all the strings, and we are all getting exactly what we are supposed to get.  I have no issue with being happy for my other friends when they find great things. I was beyond thrilled with my friend who found an 18K gold bracelet from a $25 bag she cashed in two days later for almost a grand. Yay her!

So everyone, just take a chillax pill. Sit back, watch the show. Preferably from a far away location, if you are asking me for advice. (Been through a hurricane once and hope to never repeat it again.)

On a side note ... it's not too late to donate to Yossi's sefer Torah! 

inmemoryofyossi.com/sefertorah